


warm glow of the tv screen

by bearer_of_light



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, teeny tiny angst, then at some point the rating will go up, they are first gonna be friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-08-04 23:25:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16356308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearer_of_light/pseuds/bearer_of_light
Summary: Clarke and Lexa are famous actresses who get cast in the future hit superhero series. Clarke may have a crush on Lexa and it might be a problem in the future. Lexa on the other hand is oblivious to the fact that Clarke likes her and that will definitely be the cause of some problems in the future.





	1. Chapter 1

Octavia was absently looking through her phone, Raven was looking around the room and Clarke was looking at the door. 

“She is a diva after all,” Octavia said after a couple of seconds of silence. It was mostly Raven talking, telling Clarke what is good and what isn’t good to say.

Clarke yawned. It was a long couple of days, most of what she spent in planes, flying across the country. “She’s just busy,” she said.

“So are you but I don’t see you do-” Clarke looked away and turned off the part of her brain that was listening to Octavia, a long time manager and childhood friend. Instead Clarke focused on the more hectic part of their surroundings. There was anywhere from 20 to 50 people coming in and out of the room, some of them a part of her team and most of them sound and stage crew, people responsible for making sure that the things outside of the room she was in were running as smooth as they could. “Clarke? Earth to Clarke?” Clarke noticed a hand waving in front of her face. She focused her attention back to Octavia. “Are you even listening to me?”

“I’m not interested in listening you bitch about her anymore. I’m too tired for that.”

“You had interviews scheduled we canceled because you were supposed to meet with her this morning and sh-”

“We’ll have them after.”

“It’s unprofessional.”

“Stop bitching about it.” Clarke rolled her eyes. It wasn’t the first time Octavia was annoyed at Lexa Woods. It was a recurring thing really, so recurring it happened any time Lexa was mentioned and it reached its peak when Clarke told her she wanted to do the new show with her. Lexa had already been cast when Clarke got the script and it was a no brainer. Both because the story behind it looked promising and because it was Lexa.

“The eagle has landed,” Raven blurted out.

“Raven,” Clarke warned her.

“I repeat the eagle has landed,” Raven said with a smirk.

“Stop.” Clarke shook her head, but her heart did jump and her palms started to sweat when she realized what it meant.

“She’s gonna be here any second and Anya is with her so don’t expect much.”

As on cue, Anya walked in, black pants and jacket with a white blouse hiding under it, her official unofficial uniform.

“Griffin.” She nodded when she got to where Clarke and the rest of them were standing.

“Always a pleasure Anya,” Clarke smiled trying not to be too obvious with the way she was looking over Anya’s shoulder searching for a different pair of eyes.

“It was my fault she didn’t show up at your brunch.” Anya sighed, as if what she had said took 10 years off of her life. “And I apologize.”

“It’s alright,” Clarke smiled politely. That was when she saw her. Lexa Woods in flesh and blood and all her gorgeous glory. The moment she walked in there was at least ten people jumping in and around her. Clarke assumed she was getting the whats and hows and whens, same thing she got when she got there half an hour ago. She knew she had to look away, not get caught staring, but she couldn’t help it. Clarke learned the hard way that she was going to have a big problem taking her eyes off of Lexa. She almost blew her audition because of it. 

“Please just don’t make it happen again,” Octavia said. It reminded Clarke, again, she should be looking anywhere but where she was. She looked away when she saw Lexa going their way.

“I can try that,” Anya glared at Octavia. She said something else but Clarke didn’t care enough to listen. She was too busy trying to keep her cool and composed outside, because her insides were anything but cool and composed. She was an actress after all and it shouldn’t be that hard to pretend to be something that you’re not. But then Lexa was less than 10 feet away and she smiled. 

“Hi,” she said and Clarke felt herself blush. The day was on the way to being much worse than the audition one. Suddenly Lexa was less than a feet away and her hand looped around Clarke’s back. On instinct Clarke did the same. The awkward half hug lasted way too long and not long enough. In the trance like state Lexa put her, Clarke managed to see the grin on Raven’s face and the scold in Octavia’s eyes. “Clarke, I’m sorry for standing you up.” Clarke didn’t know where to look. Her eyes had a mind of their own and if it were up to it, she’d stare at Lexa’s lips. She couldn’t look at the green eyes for too long because her cheeks would turn from healthy pink to embarrassing red. So Clarke looked at her eyes, then her lips, then her jaw, then her neck, then back at her eyes. That proved to not be a really good idea. “I hope you apologized.” Lexa looked at Anya.

“I have.”

“And said you won’t do it again?” 

Lexa was wearing black jeans and white shirt, with leather jacket and Clarke felt stupid in black and white dress Raven made her wear. 

Anya rolled her eyes and said, “We don’t have time for this. You gotta be out in 5 minutes and we still have to go over some stuff.”

“Yeah, okay,” Lexa sighed and turned her head back to Clarke. Another smile. “I guess I’ll see you up there.”

“Yes.” Clarke made a note to slap herself when she gets back at her hotel. Lexa flashed her another smile before she got dragged away by Anya and a couple of other people.

“You gotta keep it in your pants Griffin,” Raven chuckled when the three of them were far enough from other people.

“And get it together,” Octavia looked far from amused.

“I am.”

“You’re about to go out there and spend an hour sitting next to her talking in front of hundreds of people, you gotta keep the gay down,” Raven said. “I get that you have a thing for her but it’s getting out of control.”

“It’s not getting out of control.”

“You were drooling,” Octavia glared at her.

“See, even Grinch saw it,” Raven grinned. “What do you think the fans will see?”

“This is not my first rodeo, I know how to act in front of people.”

“If you say so, but I did warn you,” Raven said.

“Let’s go, you’re about to go out.”

* * *

“If you say something stupid I’ll kill you,” Anya was telling to Lexa when Clarke got to the last checkpoint. There was only a curtain separating them from hundreds of people waiting for them.

“Clarke will make sure I don’t, right?” Lexa smiled at her.

“Lexa, I’m warning you.” Anya distracted Lexa once again and allowed Clarke to put on a face, one that won’t be as affected and bothered with Lexa Woods looking at her or talking to her. Or about her for that matter.

“Relax.” Lexa waved Anya off and straightened her jacket. “It’s far from my first time,” Lexa said. “Wait,” she frowned, “Clarke is this your first?”

“Second, actually.”

“Nervous?”

“Not really. Should I be?”

“Not at all, from what I’ve heard they love you to the Moon and back, so you’re gonna be good.”

Clarke smiled, “Not as much as they love you.”

“There’s gonna be plenty of time for ass kissing, let’s not do it now,” Anya said.

_ “Welcome!,”  _ host’s voice came through speakers and then a loud roar from the audience.  _ “Are we ready?,” _ host asked and got a resounding yes.

“It’s packed,” Anya peeked behind the curtain. 

_ “I’m sure you all know who we have with us here today, but I’m still gonna have to do my job. My name is Dave and I’ll keep it short because I know our ladies are what you want to see and not me,”  _ Dave said.  _ “So, without further ado, please give your warmest welcome to Lexa Woods and Clarke Griffin.” _

Lexa was the first to step out and the crowd instantly went crazy.

“Good luck,” Octavia said as she pushed Clarke on stage.  _ Wave and smile _ , Clarke remembered Raven’s words. And she waved and smiled and followed Lexa to the two chairs in the middle on the stage. Lexa sat on the one next to Dave and Clarke sat on the one next to Lexa. There was a tiny coffee table in front of them, with two mics. Lexa took the one closer to her.

When the audience stopped cheering Lexa said, “Y’all look amazing,” prompting them to start cheering again. There was more than a couple hundred people in the room. Clarke was expecting it but seeing it was something else. There were people of all ages, men and women, even some younger kids. Clarke was never going to get used to that many people caring and loving her. Not even after being in the business for almost ten years.

“Better than,” Clarke added. It was easy to slip into Clarke Griffin The Actress when it was time to perform. Seeing Lexa, with the corner of her eye, smiling and shining like a star, made things a bit harder, but Clarke knew how to perform when it was time to perform.

“Alright, there’s gonna be plenty of time for that,” Dave said. “Let’s get to business,” he made a short pause, “Commander of Arkadia.” The biggest roar yet spread through the room. “Looks like they are excited, what about you?,” he turned to the two them after looking around the room.

“Beyond excited,” Lexa was the first one to open her mouth. “I think it’s an amazing story and I don’t know how it hadn’t been done before and at the same time I couldn’t be happier that it hadn’t been done before.”

“That’s what I thought when I got the script. Mad and happy at the same time,” Clarke added.

“What can you tell us about it, that we already don’t know?”

“What  _ do  _ you know?,” Lexa said. “I’m not sure how much of it is out,” she turned to Clarke.

“Barely anything,” Clarke said when it was her time to speak. 

“We know that it’s a retelling of a Commander comic book series,” Dave jumped in.

“And then some,” Lexa smirked and once again the crowd went crazy. “I think it’s gonna be the best adaptation of any comic book series ever.”

“And then some,” Clarke added with a smile. They both knew what they were doing, and they were doing it beyond great. Clarke never thought it was going to be that easy, to get it on with Lexa. Even though she thought about getting it on with Lexa, often, but in very different kind of way. 

“Lexa,” Dave’s voice brought Clarke back to the stage and part that she was supposed to play, “you play Alex, crime fighting vigilante,” he said, inviting Lexa to finish his it off. 

“I do, yes,” Lexa said.

“And you Clarke,” he added, “play a police detective tasked with finding and locking up our beloved vigilante.”

“That’s me,” Clarke smiled.

“In the comic there is a steamy love affair between the two, I’m sure there’s more than one person here looking forward to that part.”

“Not only that Dave,” Lexa started, “but I’m pretty sure there’s more than one person here delighted that my character went from being a guy in comics to being a lady in the series.”

Clarke crossed her legs and leaned back in the chair. Lexa was a natural. Clarke wasn’t bad either, far from it, she knew how to please and win a crowd, but Lexa was something else. And Clarke knew exactly why was everyone from the audience looking at her the way they were. As a matter of fact she was pretty sure she had the same look in her eyes when she was looking at Lexa. 

“Where you a fans of the comics before you got the role?”

“I know I was,” Clarke said. “Wow you all look so shocked,” she chuckled. “I know I don’t look the part, but actually I’ve been a fan for a very long time.”

“What do you mean you don’t look the part?” Lexa frowned.

“High heels and dresses don’t go well within sci-fi fans society thing,” Clarke chuckled.

“You mean sci-fi boys society, because I’m pretty damn sure no sci-fi women society would say no to you in high heels and dresses, or to you without high heels and dresses.” Clarke felt the redness come out again. Not even laughter from the crowd could distract her from the way Lexa looking at her like that made her feel. “That’s not what I meant,” Lexa turned to the crowd and shook her head. “Dirty minds you have,” she said. “Where were we?” Lexa was now doing damage control, trying to hide her own pinkish cheeks. “Yeah, comic, I am also a fan.” Another round of laughs led to Lexa hiding her face behind her hand. “I’m sorry,” she mouthed to Clarke. “Soooo,” Dave said. “Both fans, ha?”

“Yes, I remember being a wee young kid and reading these comics and thinking how much I wanted to be Alex,” Lexa seemed to have regained control of herself and the room. And Clarke for that matter, because Clarke couldn’t stop looking at her. The cheeks, the braids in her hair, the jaw, the lean neck.

“Really?”

“Yes, it’s been my dream for a very long time and I never thought I’d be able to do it. But here we are,” Lexa said earning awhs and claps from the audience. “And, not only that,” she continued, “but I get to do it with one of the nicest and greatest in the world by my side,” she smiled at Clarke and, again, Clarke felt what most of the people in audience must had felt.

“You’re too kind,” she managed to say back.

“You two knew each other before?,” Dave asked.

“We met when I auditioned for the role,” Clarke said.

“Lincoln, our showrunner, offered me the part and I said yes before he even finished his sentence,” Lexa said. “My first question was who was going to be my leading lady.”

“That’s an obvious first question,” Clarke teased.

“It’s the most important one,” Lexa grinned. “I haven’t dreamed about it for that long for no reason.”

“Are you a part of sci-fi women society?” Dave asked sending crowd in fit of giggles and a blush to Clarke’s face.

“Funny you should ask Dave,” Lexa smirked. “Aren’t we all,” Lexa sighed and waited until the audience stopped agreeing with her. “But to get back to the point, Lincoln, told me who he wanted for the role. There were a couple of ladies on there, we won’t be naming names, but Ms Griffin was my pick, and to throw Lincoln under the train, he wasn’t so sure about it.”

“That’s a surprise,” Dave said.

“In his defense, Clarke had never done something like this, it’s been all movies and far from this genre, so he wasn’t sure it was the right call.”

“So he made me go all the way up to Polis to audition,” Clarke said. “You know how long it’s been since I had to audition for something?”

“Okay, big movie star,” Lexa teased her, “it wasn’t  _ that _ bad. You got to meet me after all.”

“Did you know Lexa was attached to it before you got to the audition part?,” Dave asked.

“Oh yeah, I knew when I got the script. It wasn’t a well kept secret,” Clarke laughed.

“So you met when you auditioned?” He looked at Clarke.   
“Not only did Lincoln made her audition, he also made me sit and read with all of them.”

“By all of them she means three of us that were up for the part,” Clarke added.

“It was two too many if you ask me.”

“You are too kind,” Clarke smiled.

“It was the shortest ten minutes of my life,” Lexa said.

Clarke laughed, “Now you’re just trying too hard.”

“Am I?”

Somewhere behind Lexa’s back, hidden behind a curtain, Clarke could practically see fumes coming from Octavia’s ears. Clarke knew she was going to get so much shit from her manager. “To keep it short,” she turned to the audience, “miss hot shot got the job because she’s awesome and I got it because miss hot shot is a part of sci-fi women society.”

“Something like that yes,” Lexa grinned.

“That was a really long way around to answer a simple question,” Dave said and they laughed. “I asked because you two look like you’ve known each other for a long time.”

“Not counting this, we’ve spent 20 minutes in the same room,” Lexa said. “Right?,” she looked at Clarke.

“I think it’s even less than that,” Clarke said. “Maybe if you hadn’t stood me up, things would have been different.”

“That was a very low hit, Clarke, below belt,” Lexa said.

“Well, I think it’s safe to say that if the show will be half as fun as you two seem to be, then you are up for a huge success,” Dave jumped in. 

“Tune in,” Lexa said. “If for nothing then to watch this beautiful lady sitting next to me on your screens every week.” 

Clarke bit her lip and looked down as soon as she saw Lexa looking at her. “Do we know when it will be out?” Dave saved her once again.

“I can tell you we are starting to shoot next week.”

“I’m sure everyone in this room, and all around the world, is excited to see it,” Dave said. “And that’s all we have for today,” he added and ended the interview.

Everyone in the crowd stood up and showed them off the stage with a round of cheers and claps. Clarke was the first to get off and Lexa followed shortly after her.

“It wasn’t that bad, right?” Lexa whispered behind her before their people could grab and drag them off to somewhere.

“It was fun,” Clarke said. “Hey, I was thinking something,” Clarke was doing her best Clarke Griffin The Cool Actress impression, “do you wanna grab lunch maybe?”

She saw the apologetic smile on Lexa’s face and she knew what the answer was going to be. “I’d love to but I can’t, I have some more interviews I can’t cancel,” she sighed. “Maybe dinner?”

“I can’t, I have to meet with some studio representatives. Octavia would kill me if I canceled that.”

“That sucks,” Lexa smiled softly. “But I guess we’re gonna have a lot of time to get to know each other and eat many meals.”

“I guess we will,” Clarke said.

“What have I told you?” Anya got to them first. Clarke could see Octavia right behind her. She got ready for whatever storm was coming her way.

“To play nice,” Lexa said. “I played nice, haven’t I Clarke?”

“You have.”

“Clarke we need to go,” Octavia said without making any other comment.

“Where?,” Clarke frowned.

“Prepare for later.”

“We also have to go, you’re gonna be late,” Anya said to Lexa.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Lexa waved her off and turned to Clarke. “It was fun, text me, we should meet for drinks of something, before the official start.”

“I’d like that.”

“Great,” Lexa said.

“Can we leave now?”

“We can,” Lexa rolled her eyes at Anya. “I’ll see you soon then,” she smiled to Clarke.

“See you.” Clarke raised her hand and did an awkward wave made even more awkward by the fact that Lexa turned around and left before she could see it. 

“You have it so bad,” Raven whispered in her ear.

“I don’t have anything.”

“But you want it so bad.”

“Shut up.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Tell me again why are we doing this?” Lexa put a bowl of popcorn in Luna’s lap and sat next to her. Even though she spent the whole day preparing for the night, nothing could have prepared Lexa for what was about to happen.

“Because it’s gonna be fun and because you’re gonna hate it,” Anya took a handful of popcorn from the bowl in Luna’s lap and stuffed her face with it.

“You’re gonna choke on that,” Lexa leaned back and watched Anya put more popcorns in her mouth. “Besides, you’re gonna hate it more,” Lexa crossed her hands and smiled.

“Me?,” Anya lifted her brow, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I love me a good romance. Especially one that has Griffin in it.”

“Tell me again why do you hate her?,” Luna asked.

“She’s jealous,” Lexa smirked.

“I don’t hate her and I’m not jealous. I can not like her, can’t I?”

“But there’s gotta be some reason for it and I know it’s not her overall persona, because that girl is like a fucking unicorn.”

“I just think she’s a privileged blonde girl whose daddy is responsible for her having anything and everything she ha-”

“She’s a great actress, her dad can be whoever but she’s talented all on her own and people don’t love her because of who her dad is,” Lexa said.

“People love her because she’s a pretty blonde.”

“Okay enough talking about her, let’s start watching her,” Luna took the remote and scrolled through Clarke’s movies, “Luck in the night. That’s what we’re gonna watch.”

“A true horror.”

“What’s the summary?,” Lexa asked.

“It’s better we don’t know,” Luna turned on the movie and sat back on the couch.

A familiar name appeared on screen and all three of them groaned. “Finn Collins?,” Anya said. “You gotta be kidding me.”

“I hate that guy,” Lexa added.

“I think he’s cute,” Luna said.

“You think what?”

“He’s kinda cute,” Luna said again.

Anya covered her face with her hand, “Please love yourself,” she said to her friend. 

“If he’s good enough for Clarke Griffin then he’s good enough for me,” Luna giggled.

“That was never confirmed,” Lexa said.

“Look who is jumping to defend her leading lady.”

“Let’s just watch the movie,” Lexa turned her face to the screen.

“God I hate him,” Anya groaned when a dark haired man graced their TV. “He’s the worst of them all.”

“I think I’m gonna enjoy this movie like I’ve never enjoyed one before,” Luna chuckled.

The movie was a generic cliche filled romantic comedy. Clarke was good and she was on screen for the most of it so it made things a lot more bearable. At least for Lexa. What she never understood was why Clarke was doing almost exclusively those types of movies, the boy meets girl type, the girl falls madly in love type, the girl suffers a heartbreak type, the girl wants to leave but she can’t type. And sometimes all in one. There was an occasional drama, or crime or thriller, the ones that gave her the worldwide recognition she had, but they were almost always drowned between some version of boy meets girl. That was why Lexa was so surprised to hear that Clarke Griffin of all people is interested to be in the show that was going to be anything but boy meets girl.

When finally, after what seemed like an eternity of Anya groaning and commenting how bad the movies was, the end credits started to roll, Anya was the first one to get up and go to the kitchen. “I deserve a drink after this horror.”

“I need one too,” Lexa said.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Luna put the empty bowl on the table in front of them. “I’m gonna make more of these,” she got up and joined Anya in kitchen.

“Why are you so painfully straight.”

“It’s not a choice Lexa.”

“Wow.”

Luna got up and went to the kitchen like she said she would and Anya came back to the couch with a bottle of wine and three glasses. “Do we really have to watch another one of these?”

“Yes,” Luna yelled before Lexa could say anything.

“You owe me so bad,” Anya poured wine for her and Lexa and took remote from where Luna was sitting. “I get to pick next one.” She went through a lengthy list of movies. “How does she have time to make this many shitty rom coms?”

“She’s a busy lady.” Lexa sipped her wine and took out her phone.

“Has she sent you that text?,” Anya asked.

“Why do you wanna know?”

“My paycheck depends on you two being good together.”

“So you are asking as a manager?”

“And as a friend, I know how much you love working with people you can’t stand and who don’t wanna even try to be friendly.”

“She hasn’t.”

“Will you send it to her?”   
“Maybe,” Lexa put the phone back in her pocket and her glass back on the table.

“I’m back,” Luna sat next to her with fresh batch of popcorn. “What are we watching next?,” she looked at the paused TV, before smiling, “I’ve heard that’s a really good one.”

“From whom? Your straight friends?” Lexa teased her.

“As a matter of fact yes.”

“Can we just turn it on and be over with it,” Anya groaned as she pressed play and the movie started.

The movie Anya chose had everything Lexa hated about those types of movies. It was the one where girl had to give up everything for a boy. Her life, her job, her future, just because the boy wanted it that way. 

A couple of minutes before the end of the movie Lexa couldn’t keep the comments in anymore. “I can’t believe she’s gonna go after him and give everything up for him.” She widened her eyes in horror and emptied what was left in her glass.

“How do you know what she’s gonna do?” Anya asked her.

“Lucky guess.” Lexa tried to salvage the situation.

“Lucky guess?” Now both Anya and Luna were looking at her and just occasionally switching their gaze to the screen. Just as the movie was finishing, and as Clarke’s character did in fact go after her love interest leaving everything she had behind, Luna started to laugh.

“I can’t believe this,” she said when the screen turned black and Lexa’s face white. “You’ve seen this movie before.”

“I haven’t,” Lexa was fast to say, a bit too fast.

“Oh yes you have, how could you have known otherwise what was going to happen?”

“It’s a generic rom com plot.”

“It really isn’t, and besides the movie was going in completely different direction. I thought she was going to be a strong and independent woman, there was no sign of her doing what she did at the end. You’ve seen it before.”

“Please tell me you haven’t,” Anya said.

“I haven’t,” Lexa defended herself again.

“You so have,” Luna giggled.

“I can’t believe. You hate this why the fuck would you watch it?”

“Hot blonde,” Luna smirked.

“Tell me you haven’t watched it because of her?,” Anya said.

“She’s nice to look at,” Lexa finally gave in and admitted. “And I was bored one day and sick and there was nothing to watch so I watched her.”

“You’ve seen more than one?,” Anya lifted her brow.

“All of them.”

Luna bursted laughing. “Oh. My. God. Lexa Woods, secret admirer of romantic comedies.” 

“It’s just movies,” Lexa tried to wave it off. Wave her friends off. She knew they were like hungry dogs and they were not going to let it go anytime soon, especially Luna.

“Do you have a thing for her? Because that would be even better.”

“You are such a cliche,” Anya added.

“I don’t have a crush on her. She’s just pretty and probably straight,” Lexa said.

“We all know you love those,” Luna grinned. “And I wouldn’t be so sure she’s straight.”

“I’m positive she’s not,” Anya said. 

“Oh, you know something? Do tell,” Luna leaned back.

“We won’t talk about Clarke or what anyone knows about her,” Lexa said.

“I don’t know anything but I have eyes and Clarke loves her social media. It’s not that hard to pick up on who and what she likes.”

“I’m honestly surprised Lexa hasn’t done a whole research into it, made pros and cons. I’m sure it wouldn’t be that hard to find it if you looked in the right place.”

“I’m not a creep,” Lexa glared at her friend. “The only thing that matters is that I don’t have a crush, I just have eyes and that’s all.”

“You’re so useless when around pretty girls, I can’t wait to see the disaster when the shooting starts.”

“I am not useless,” Lexa rolled her eyes.

“Remember Sarah?,” Luna said.

“What about Sarah?,” Lexa asked.

“I had to do most of the talking when she was around because your brain would short circuit and you’d be unable to form a coherent sentence,” Anya said.

“That was one time.”

“And Lucy?,” Luna continued on her path of proving a point.

“You should have seen into what she turned on this panel they did a couple of days ago. It was all smooth and cool and flirting.”

“That’s new,” Luna grinned.

“Let’s just watch another movie,” Lexa shook her head.

“If you promise you won’t spoil it again,” Luna smirked.

* * *

It was a quiet Friday night, something that Lexa hadn’t often had a chance to experience. There was no events to go to and no public appearances to be made, she could just lay on bed and do nothing. Rewind and recharge.

She ordered food. Cooking wasn’t something she often did and even when she did it wasn’t really good. Except pancakes. She was an expert in making pancakes.

She took a shower and was eating her dinner in bed when her phone beeped.

**Unknown number:** hi, if that offer for drinks still stands i could be free tomorrow afternoon

It took Lexa a couple of seconds to decipher who it was. But then the next message came.

**Clarke:** it’s Clarke btw, sorry

**Lexa:** Hello to you too Clarke. Offer still stand, of course :) Late afternoon works for me too.

**Clarke:** great! 

**Clarke:** sorry if i’m bothering you, i forgot it’s friday 

**Lexa:** I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to forgive you for interrupting my star trek marathon

**Clarke:** i can’t do much but ask for forgiveness…

**Lexa:** Who is your favorite captain?

**Clarke:** han solo?

**Lexa:** ….

**Clarke:** i realized this type of jokes don’t work over text

**Clarke:** i was trying to be funny

**Clarke:** it’s picard btw

**Clarke:** i’ll stop now

**Lexa:** For a minute there I thought our friendship is going to be ruined before it even started

**Clarke:** i’ll try to not make that happen :)

**Lexa:** That’s good to hear

**Clarke:** i won’t keep you away from your marathon anymore

**Lexa:** I’m not that big of a fan

**Lexa:** Talking with you is much more enjoyable

 

Instead of sending it, Lexa deleted the last message. There was a fine difference between fake friendly, friendly and overly friendly. She didn’t want to be on the either side of the spectrum.

 

**Lexa:** Why are you spending your friday night texting me?

**Clarke:** it’s the first day in weeks that i had free

**Clarke:** honestly i haven’t even left my bed for the most of it

**Lexa:** If you’re asking me, that’s the best way to spend a day

**Lexa:** And you should seize every opportunity you have

**Lexa:** Once filming starts you won’t have much time for that

**Clarke:** shhhh let’s not think about that

**Lexa:** But everything becomes much easier when done in good company

**Clarke:** speaking off, where do you want to meet tomorrow?

**Lexa:** I know a place, Grounders, no flashing or noise

**Clarke:** i’ve been there a couple of times

**Lexa:** Great, then tomorrow at 6?

**Clarke:** 6 sounds great

**Clarke:** i’ll let you get back to picard now

**Lexa:** It’s actually Janeway

**Clarke:** say hi to kathryn for me :)

* * *

Grounders was a small bar with amazing owner, surprisingly great food and the most important of all, it offered prospect of anonymity. You could be whoever and whatever and it was no one’s business. It was part of the culture that was long dead or on it’s way to be.

When Lexa arrived, Clarke was already there. Lexa smiled at the awkward half wave Clarke did when she saw her across the room.

“Hello Clarke.” Lexa pulled out a chair and sat opposite Clarke.

“Hi,” Clarke said. 

The table was empty so Lexa assumed Clarke just got there. “You’ve been waiting for long?” 

“A couple of minutes. I prefer being early than being late. Something I guess I can blame my mom for.”

“That’s a good thing to be blamed for,” Lexa smiled. “I gotta admit I’m not the best when it comes to that, but Anya keeps me on a short leash most of the time.” It was hard to connect this Clarke sitting in front of her, to any version of her that she had seen previously. For one, this Clarke was in jeans and leather jacket, her hair was in a bun and she had glasses on.

“You don’t seem the type.”

“I don’t?”

“You seemed cool and being late is not cool.”

“Careful you might break my fragile ego.”

“Now that I don’t believe,” Clarke giggled.

“What?”

“I think your ego is anything but fragile.”

“You flatter me Clarke.” 

“What can I get you?,” the waiter interrupted Lexa’s thoughts, and maybe it was for the better.

“Are you hungry?,” Lexa turned to Clarke. “They have great burgers.”

“Are you?”

“I actually am,” Lexa said and turned to the waiter, “I’ll have one house special with fries and a beer.”

“I’ll have the same,” Clarke said. Waiter took their order and left the same way he came. “I’ve only ever been here late at night. It looks nice.”

“What I like about it the most is that I can drink a beer with America's sweetheart and no one seems to care,” Lexa grinned.

Clarke lifted her brow, “Do I know her?” Clarke’s smile was what made it for Lexa. And her laughter. Both were intoxicating and there wasn’t much one could do but smile and laugh and be grateful to be able to stand and watch. “You spend a lot of time here?”

“When I wanna eat a burger and drink beer without the whole nation knowing.”

“Detox.”

“In a way, yes.” Clarke’s smile wasn’t what Lexa noticed first on her. The smile was the PG-13 version. Clarke’s love for low cut dresses was what started it and her love for beach pictures was what sealed the deal.

“I might start spending more time here then.”

“We can eat burgers and drink beer together, unless you’ll need detox from me.”

Clarke chuckled and straightened her back when waiter brought their drink. “I doubt it,” she said when they were alone again.

“But you can’t post pictures about it.”

“Now that’s a deal breaker.”

“It’s better when no one knows.”

“I’ve learned that’s not exactly true.”

“Some things are better kept a secret,” Lexa said. “Unless you want everyone to think there’s more to it than just detox.”

“As if they won’t think that regardless of burgers and beers,” Clarke chuckled. “It might be my first show but it’s far from my first rodeo,” she said. “Besides, my experience says that the more you talk about it and the more you give them what they want, the less interested they become.”

“You sound like an expert.”

“Maybe I am.”

“Well it kinda does make sense. The more you shove something into people’s faces the less they care about it.”

“It’s the way I live my life.”

“I kinda doubt that.”

“Controlled shoving.” Lexa laughed and Clarke’s eyes beamed up, something Lexa missed because again, the waited came in the best worst moment. “I hope the burgers are worth it.”

“Trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

“Speaking of experts,” Clarke took her phone out and pointed the camera at Lexa. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Making memories.” Clarke snapped a photo and spent the next couple of seconds typing something before putting the phone back in her bag. Shortly after Lexa’s own phone vibrated in her pocket.

“Did you post that?,” she asked looking at the notification she got.

“Maybe,” Clarke grinned.

“God, next couple of months are gonna be hell, aren’t they?” Lexa shook her head. She opened the photo Clarke had posted of her looking at the camera and a burger in front of her. “‘Burgers with expert’? You are already spilling my secrets.”

“Only a selected few.”

“You know what I’m not an expert on?” 

“What?”

“Social media.”

Clarke laughed, “Don’t worry, I’ll teach you how to be.”

“Then I gotta teach you something in return,” Lexa smiled when she saw the surprise in Clarke’s eyes. 

“What are you gonna teach me?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

Clarke bit her lip before guiding her tongue over it. Lexa really was weak for pretty blondes and Clarke was one hell of a pretty blonde. It was promising to turn into a problem. “Alright expert, let’s see if this is any good.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: i know almost nothing about how tv in real life works

It was a quiet evening after anything but a quiet day. It was spent mostly running in circles, doing things she was told she had to do. Press and questions and smiles and going back and forth on the same things all day. The night was supposed to be hers and for the most part it was. 

“You gotta stop obsessing,” Raven’s snarky comments never stopped, not even on quiet nights. “If not for your sake then because Octavia will kill you if she catches you doing it again.”

“Octavia can suck it.”

“That’s not what you were saying three hours ago.”

Clarke wanted the earth to swallow her three hours ago. “I told you I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Just please don’t double tap on something from two years ago.” Even though Clarke wasn’t looking at her she could feel Raven’s smirk. She could also hear what she was about to say before she said it. “Again.” 

“Do you think she hates me?”

“Why would she hate you?”

“I don’t know,” Clarke said stopping her scrolling on the photo of Lexa she particularly liked. It was a candid, or at least it looked like it, from a couple months ago. She was sitting in some dimly lit room, staring out through the window. She had glasses on and she looked really focused on something outside. “I posted that photo and she didn’t seem to be into that. It was stupid I still don’t know why I did,” Clarke sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “Why did I do that Raven?”

“Because you were a fangirl having a meal with your crush and you had to do something to commemorate it and show to the world and yourself that it’s real?”

“You are not funny, you do know that right?”

“I’m not trying to be funny.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be helping me.”

“I don’t see what you’d need my help with. Do you want me to ask her out in your name?”

“I’d murder you if you did that.”

“She doesn't hate you. Get over it,” Raven said. “If she didn’t want it up she would’ve said something to you. She’s a big girl. Besides it served its purpose, you can always play it like that. Promo always works.”

“But it wasn’t-”

“Who cares what it was? Remove it if you don’t want it there or if you think she doesn’t want it there. But I think you are just overthinking something that’s not that deep.”

“I don’t know.”

Clarke’s thoughts were interrupted with the semi loud bling from her phone. 

**Lexa:** It’s not fun seeing you liked a photo but not having a notification for it

**Lexa:** You should stand by your choices in life Clarke :)

“She just texted me.” Clarke wasn’t planning to say it out loud but the words just left her mouth and unlike many other things in life, you couldn’t delete the words you said.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing.”

“Lexa texted you?,” Raven asked putting her phone down and now focusing only on Clarke. Clarke prayed she wasn’t going to get up and come any closer. She was clinging for her phone as if her life depended on no one seeing the words Lexa sent. Words that were also undeletable. “What did she say?”

“It’s about that photo.”

Clarke wasn’t planning to do it. She was just bored between two shoots and she was scrolling through her phone when she saw Lexa’s photo. She clicked through and after a couple more she ended scrolling through Lexa’s profile. It wasn’t the first time she did something like that. She’d never admit to it but she probably could identify any and every photo Lexa ever posted on there if someone asked her. She was bored and she didn’t mind killing the boredom by looking at photos of Lexa. 

Ten minutes passed, she was months deep into Lexa’s feed and then Octavia called her name and startled her. She fumbled with her phone and quickly put it away. It wasn’t until hours later when Raven told her she should check her phone that Clarke saw hundreds of notifications from Instagram of people freaking out over her liking one of Lexa’s bed selfies from 2 years ago. There were dozens upon dozens of screenshots. Octavia nearly killed her and Clarke quickly undid the thing she didn’t even realize she did. 

**Clarke:** It wasn’t on purpose

**Lexa:** You’re telling me you don’t actually like that photo?

“Your face is like ten different colors at once,” Raven said.

“It’s not.”

“It really is.” Raven got up from her chair and sat down on the couch next to Clarke. “What is she saying?”

“Why am I so into her?”

“That’s what she’s saying?”

“No, that’s what I’m asking.”

“I don’t know,” Raven chuckled. “Maybe it’s because she’s a goddess. Super hot and pretty.”

“I’ve met a lot of those.”

“But none of them were Lexa Woods.”

**Lexa:** It’s one of my better photos if you ask me

“She’s persistent,” Raven said after Clarke looked at her phone. “Maybe she has a crush too.”

“I doubt it.”

“I’m pretty sure she does, she probably just thinks you’re straight.” Clarke rolled her eyes. It was something both Octavia and Raven often told her she should do. Break up with the fake straight image people have made of her and make them see the real thing. It wasn’t like she was hiding anything, far from it. She just wanted to keep some things for herself. She thought she had the right to be selfish, at least when it came to that part of her life. Both 

“And what do you suggest I do? Tell the world I want Lexa Woods to raw me?”

Raven giggled, “Funny.”

**Clarke:** It’s a nice photo, I gotta admit

**Lexa:** You like it? :)

Lexa’s text came almost at the same time as the notification from Instagram. Lexa had like an old photo of Clarke’s, one where she was hiding behind layers of blankets and clothes

**Lexa:** I think you look cute in that one :)

“I know you tend to be really oblivious in your life, but that girl is into you,” Raven said.

“She’s just being nice,” Clarke said. “Or playing along.”

“Playing along to the game you’re not playing?” Raven laughed. Words travel fast and when you are famous then every move you make travels faster than the speed of light. “People are loving it, that’s for sure,” Raven said after a minute. “You could have them eat out of your hand.”

“I don’t wanna do that.”

“I know you don’t, I’m just telling you,” Raven said. “I don’t think you are ready for the amount of people that are going to be wanting a piece of you after the first episode airs. Or after Lexa posts the first photo of you on her profile,” she chuckled and put her phone in front of Clarke’s face. “She just liked your photo and you got 450 new followers,” Raven laughed. “It’s a brand new world and you better be ready because it’s sure gonna be a wild ride.”

**Lexa:** Are you as excited as I am for the table read tomorrow?

**Clarke:** terrified if I’m being honest, but don’t tell anyone

**Lexa:** Are you going to need me to hold your hand?

“You are so bad at hiding it.”

“I’m not, I’m just not trying to hide it,” Clarke said while smiling at her phone.

**Clarke:** I think I’ll manage

**Clarke:** but you should be in standby mode

**Lexa:** I’ll have my hands ready for whenever you need them

Clarke knew it wasn’t supposed to make her think things she was thinking but that didn’t stop her from thinking them nonetheless. There was more than one occasion when Clarke was thinking about those hands.

“I don’t think you are ready for the crazy that’s about to hit you in the face.” Raven’s voice brought Clarke back from her short daydream about Lexa’s hands and fingers and places they could be on her body.

“What?”

“There’s already million manips of you two. I don’t know if I wanna imagine what it’s gonna be like when people actually see you two together somewhere,” Raven said. “But I don’t blame them, you two look so good together.”

**Lexa:** that might have come out the wrong way. Or that’s just me?

“That woman is persistent. What is she so insistent on texting about?,” Raven asked after Clarke turned her attention back to her phone.

“She’s just being funny,” Clarke licked her lips and typed up her text.

**Clarke:** you tell me :)

Clarke heard a camera shutter sound. She looked to her right and saw Raven holding her phone up and typing something. The photo popped up on her phone almost immediately. ‘@raereyes tagged you in a post’. She would’ve killed Raven after she read the caption and saw the photo if she didn’t know that Octavia was probably on her way there to do it herself. It was a photo of Clarke smiling at her phone and the caption read: ‘when she’s just being funny’.

“Octavia will kill you if you don’t take that down.”

“I can handle Octavia.”

“I might kill you if you don’t.”

“What’s the point, it’s not like there’s not already dozens of screenshots,” Raven smirked. “And it’s not like you’re not grateful. Maybe your lesbian crush will not get the memo.”

“You’re in so much trouble, I’m gonna love every second of it.”

“Don’t hyperventilate but your crush just liked the photo,” Raven said.

**Lexa:** either way, my hands are available at any time :)

* * *

The day of first table read Clarke spent being inexplicably nervous. She hoped it would get better once she got there, saw the rest of the cast and crew, that she was going to slide into it as if it’s second nature. But she only got more nervous. Especially after seeing Lexa roam around as if she was gliding through the clouds. At least that’s where Clarke’s head was. Far up in the sky thinking things Raven put into her head the day before. 

Apart from her and Lexa, the rest of the regulars were there as well Lincoln and Monty, director of first couple of episodes. Jasper, Niylah, Harper and Luna were there as well, they, along with Clarke and Lexa were making the core cast. There were a couple of PAs there as well as some producers. 

Clarke knew everyone except Luna and Luna was attached to Lexa’s hip. It looked like Lexa was introducing her to the people she didn’t know and Clarke knew that soon or later she’d also be one of those.

But the first person to come up to her was Niylah. They had met before on some dinner Clarke had forgot about but she didn’t forget about Niylah.

“Clarke, I hoped we’d have some time to catch up before the madness starts,” she smiled when she spoke.

“Or after,” Clarke returned the smile. Her mind flashed back to the night they met. The dinner at the boring event hosted by Octavia’s brother, Bellamy. The only reason Clarke was there in the first place was to indulge her friend. Octavia was the one who introduced her to Niylah and when Niylah offered to steal a bottle of wine and hide on the roof, Clarke knew why Octavia did it. That night turned to be a lot more fun than Clarke had ever dreamed it’d be.

“That works too.” Niylah’s eyes were wandering down Clarke’s body a bit too much with a bit too obvious intent. 

“I heard we are going out after?,” Clarke tried to turn the focus to something else.

“Yes, big boss is gonna pay a couple of rounds, at least that’s what I heard,” Niylah’s smile never left her face and Clarke was starting to remember why she was never going to forget that night. 

“Hope we’re not interrupting something.” Lexa managed to sneak behind them. Clarke felt a light touch on her shoulder. She saw fingers tapping, then the smile, then the eyes. “I’ve wanted to introduce you to Luna.” Clarke remembered she was supposed to blink and breath and close her mouth. 

“Hey Niylah,” Luna smiled at the blonde standing next to Clarke. 

“Good to see you Luna, I was beyond happy when I heard we were going to be working together,” Niylah said. 

“I can’t believe we’ve never met,” Luna said looking at Clarke.

“Neither can I,” Clarke replied. “We run in different circles, I guess.”

“Not anymore,” Luna smiled. “But it’s good to finally meet you. I was looking forward to this. Almost as much as when I first met this one,” she pointed at Lexa. “But that one was Cos’ fault.”

“Cos?,” Clarke noticed Lexa shifted and dropped her eyes to the floor.

“Let’s not bore them,” Lexa said after a second. “Excited? Or nervous?,” she smiled at Clarke.

“Can I be both?”

“Of course,” Lexa said. “My hand is still available.”

“We haven’t even started and you already have inside jokes?,” Niylah laughed.

“You know Lexa,” Luna smirked.

“Ladies, please,” Lexa said. “Let’s go sit down.”

* * *

It was a roaring success. Once the lights turned on Clarke was impeccable. At least on the outside. On the inside it was something completely different. She couldn’t decide if it was because Lexa was so close or so attentive or both. Lexa being close meant all of Clarke’s senses were screaming and Lexa being attentive meant her fingers scratching the back of Clarke’s hand every time she zoned out. It was torturous in more ways than one.

“Thank you,” Clarke would whisper after every warning and Lexa would just smile back.

Clarke also had problem of looking only and exclusively at Lexa. It was lucky in the sense that Lexa had spent 80% of the time talking and everyone in the room was looking at her. It was bad in the sense that Clarke was looking for the entirely different reasons. And the best worst part came at the end, for the scene when their characters are alone for the first time. Stuck in an elevator. That’s when Lexa’s eyes were glued to Clarke. She knew the lines by heart, already, so did Clarke, but the paper offered refuge when Lexa’s eyes were too much to bear and she’d look away, missing the way Lexa smiled every time Clarke said something.

Roaring success.

Clarke was on the phone trying to come up with good enough reason to not go for those drinks Lincoln invited everyone for. 

“You can’t not go, I don’t know what you want me to say but you know you can’t not go.”

“I can be sick,” Clarke said.

“Clarke, you are the star of the show you have to go hang out with the people, you can’t be the diva.”

“I’m not diva, I just-,” Clarke’s words trailed off when she saw Lexa approaching her.

“You are just what? Head over heels for the other star of the show?”

“I have to go,” Clarke said and hanged up before Lexa got to her.

“Ready to go?,” Lexa asked with the biggest smile on her face.

“Ready.”

* * *

Clarke had been to the place many times, it’s one of the current hot places within the people from industry. In five minutes since they came Clarke saw almost a dozen people she didn’t want to see and a couple she was trying to avoid at every cost. The good thing about it was that it was closed off, VIPs only. One less thing to worry about.

First two rounds were on Lincoln and after the third most of the people had left. When the fourth round came only the five of them were left.  Niylah, Luna, Monty, Lexa and Clarke. 

Clarke of course noticed almost nothing of the things that were happening or the people that had left. With every round she was leaning more and more on and to Lexa. 

With the fifth drink in her hand her head was practically on Lexa’s shoulder. She didn’t talk much, she worried she’d say something she’d regret in the morning, as if her hand on Lexa’s shoulder and Lexa’s hand occasionally landing on her leg was somehow less of a problem than any of the things Clarke could’ve said. 

Clarke was sitting in the middle with Lexa on her right and Niylah on her left. Niylah was… trying. Every now and then she’d lean and whisper something Clarke didn’t care about.  Not when Lexa’s neck and jaw and lips and hands and hair were so close. 

“You smell good,” Clarke said when no one else was listening. 

“You like it?” Clarke couldn’t decipher if her heart was trying it’s best to beat out of her chest or if it was the music drumming in her ears. 

“And your hair is pretty.”

“Yours is prettier,” Lexa said and put tiny piece of it behind Clarke’s ear.

“Yours is like magic.” Clarke was rambling and saying stuff she was going to regret in the morning. She knew it, a part of her at least knew it, but she couldn’t help it. The bigger part of her didn’t care.

“Like a fairy.”

“You are funny Clarke.”

“Thanks,” Clarke grinned.

“Lara was looking for you,” the waitress said when she put the next round of drinks in front of them. She was looking at Lexa. “She’s at the bar,” she smiled before leaving.

Suddenly Lexa’s eyes were no longer anywhere near Clarke. She was looking somewhere to her right. Probably looking for the woman in question, Lara.

“You better run,” Luna smirked from across the table.

“I’m gonna be right back,” Lexa said as she got up. Clarke followed her to where a tall redhead was waiting for her. They hugged and the girl, Clarke assumed Lara, kissed Lexa’s cheek. It was ten long minutes before Lexa got back. Ten minutes Clarke spent trying not to stare at the way Lara was smiling at Lexa or the way Lexa was leaning way too close or Lexa’s hand on Lara’s back. Niylah was trying to get Clarke to talk to her, but the only thing she could focus on was the way Lexa looked at that girl. 

“My shoulder is not as comfortable anymore?,” Lexa asked a couple of minutes after she came back. Couple of minutes Clarke spent leaning as far away as she could. Lexa smelled different than before.

“I don’t wanna be trouble,” Clarke smiled. “Speaking of trouble, I should probably go.” Seeing Lexa with Lara sobered her enough to remember who she was and where they were. It was so easy to get lost in Lexa. So easy Clarke knew it was going to be a much bigger problem once they get to the part where Lexa has to kiss her and Clarke has to pretend that only her character liked it.

“So soon? Just as I thought my night was getting better,” Lexa whispered in her ear and the warmth of her breath sent goosebumps down Clarke’s back. Huge problem.

“Wait why are you here with us and not there with your girl?,” Luna brought Clarke out of the Lexa sized hole she almost fell in.

“What?,” Lexa asked.

“Doesn’t happen very often,” Luna said.

“Not in the mood for that,” Lexa responded.

“Where are we off to next?,” Niylah asked from Clarke’s left.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m going home,” Clarke said now to the whole table and not only into Lexa’s ear.

“Are you okay to go alone?,” Lexa got up and tried to reach for Clarke’s hand but Clarke was two steps ahead. She pulled back, put her jacket over her left hand and took her phone in the other. 

“Don’t worry, car is waiting,” she smiled.

“Are you sure?,” Lexa asked again.

“You’re sweet.”

“Just trying to look out for you.” The softness of Lexa’s smile was what got to Clarke. Suddenly everything was too much and too loud and too small. 

“Thank you, but it’s fine really.”

“Text me when you’re home safe?”

“Sure,” Clarke tried to smile, but judging by the concerned look on Lexa’s face, the grimace she managed to pull of was far from a smile. “Going now.” Clarke waved to the rest of the group, quickly turned around and left. 

She got out of the club and walked straight into the car. She couldn’t stop thinking about how warm she felt when Lexa was near her, or the sparkle in Lexa’s eyes Clarke saw when she leaned close enough. She took out her phone and snapped a photo of the street lights flashing through the car window;  _ ‘i wish the sparkles were for me’ _ . 

She posted the photo thinking about nothing but sparks in green eyes.

 


	4. Chapter 4

“Can I give you an advice?”

“I’m not doing an interview with that guy. He’s a piece of shit and I won’t change my mind.”

“I know, it’s not that,” Anya said. Anya had spent a majority of the past couple of days trying to get Lexa to do an interview with Roan Azgeda. He was, like Lexa said, a piece of shit, but he had great traction and a huge following. Exposure before the filming went into full swing was what Lexa needed. “I’ll drop that one for now. Meanwhile you should really stop thinking about her.”

“About whom?” Lexa lowered her phone and looked at Anya who was sitting at the desk on the other side of the room. 

“Clarke Griffin,” Anya said. “It’s not gonna happen. I don’t care how she looks at you and how she behaves around you or what you think she looks at you and thinks about you. It’s not gonna happen, trust me on this one. You don’t have the best track record with that but it’s about time you change that.”

“Who says I’m thinking about Clarke Griffin?” Lexa was thinking about Clarke Griffin and she knew Anya was aware of the fact. Lexa had been spending almost every minute of her free time thinking about her. 

“You’re filming with her next week and you should get your shit together. That Clarke Griffin tic you’ve developed, you gotta get rid of it or it’s gonna get you in a lot more trouble than you are aware of.”

“I don’t have a tic.”

“Everytime she comes up in conversation you bite your lip, look down and your eyes light up. Don’t get me started on how you look when she’s actually in your line of sight,” Anya put her laptop down and stretched her arms behind her back. “I know you good enough to know when you are thinking about the possibility and I’m telling you to not bother. There’s not a chance in hell that you get anything good out of this one.”

Lexa walked to the kitchen and got back with a glass of water. There were bits and pieces of truth in what Anya was saying. But there were also huge chunks telling her Anya was wrong. She took back the script she put on the table moments before and focused her eyes on the words in front of her. “I’m not thinking about getting her.”

“Then what are you thinking about?”

“I can’t be happy to have found a new friend?”

“You’ve known her for less than a month.”

“”Why do you care?”

“Are you seriously asking me that?,” Anya sighed and got up. She walked up and down the room before settling on one of the chairs closer to Lexa. “You know who was her longest lasting relationship with?”

“I know.”

“And you know with how many women she’s been with?”

“How can you know if she-”

“Publicly.”

“I don’t think I’ve had a public relationsh-”

“Please Lexa, every time you get some you make sure the whole world knows you got some,” Anya laughed.

“That’s not true.”

“Literally everyone in this world, who wants to know, knows everyone you’ve been with,” Anya said. “That’s one of the oh so charming things about you.”

“She’s not acting like she’s just a straight girl.”

“As if you’d care if she’s straight or not,” Anya chuckled. “And I’m not saying she is, I’m just saying she’s not into giving you what you need.”

“And what do I need? Please do tell.”

“Love and safety and happiness. At least you look like that’s what you’d want from her. You don’t often develop tics or have that look on your face when someone is near you or in your head,” Anya said. “From what I’ve heard she moves through them faster than you.”

“I need a break,” Lexa turned the script face down and got up. She put on her shoes and jacket and went for the door.

“Where are you going?”

“For a break.”

* * *

When Lexa got to Groundres she found someone she least expected to find there. In the far side, couple of tables away from the bar, Clarke Griffin of all people was sitting with a book in her hands.  

“I gotta say you’re the last person I thought I’d find here,” Lexa pulled the empty chair out and smiled when she saw the confused blue eyes stare at her. “You mind if I sit?” Clarke just nodded. “You don’t have to do that,” Lexa said when she put the book away.

Clarke lifted her brow and bit her lip. “I should continue reading and you’ll do what exactly?”

“Maybe I also have a book to read,” Lexa grinned.

“Is it invisible?” Clarke said after she looked around and in front of Lexa. 

Clarke visibly relaxed back in her chair once the waitress put the bottle of wine and two glasses in front of them. “I thought we should celebrate.”

“We have something to celebrate?”

“The end of a very long week,” Lexa poured the wine in Clarke’s then in her own glass. “And the last free weekend in God knows how long.”

“I can drink to that.”

“Was it everything you hoped it’d be?”

“It was… long.”

“It’s gonna get only longer when the real deal starts.”

“That’s what everyone keeps telling me. It’s starting to turn into this ominous chant. Am I supposed to be scared?”

Lexa chuckled, “I think you’re gonna be fine.”

“Yeah?”

Clarke was eyeing Lexa over the glass she was holding in her hand. Lexa managed to hold her gaze but only for a couple of seconds. Eventually she had to look away to not start thinking and wishing wrong things. “Yes,” she smiled as if nothing had happened. 

They settled into a comforting silence with occasional glances they both tried to steal but got caught before they could look away. “I gotta say, I never thought this was going to be your crowd,” Clarke said after a couple of minutes.

“Meaning?”

“Old ladies.”

“I’ve always fancied older women.” A streak of pink appeared on Clarke’s cheeks after Lexa mixed those words with a smirk. “Especially when they have no idea who I am,” she winked and pink on Clarke’s cheeks turned to red. 

“Anonymity turns you on?”

The question surprised Lexa so much that she couldn’t do much but laugh. “Maybe.” 

“I’m sorry for posting that photo last time.”

“No need to apologize. You managed to make me look better than the burger that was in front of me. It’s a win in my book.” Then one of the old ladies turned the jukebox on and a song Lexa knew but couldn’t put a name to it started to play. It was one of those songs you got memories of and with but for the life of it you couldn’t know how or from when. “Do you wanna dance?,” she asked.

“Um…” 

“C’mon,” Lexa got up and offered her hand to Clarke. “You can pretend we are practicing for some big dance scene.”

“No one is dancing.”

“I’ve always wanted to dance with someone as beautiful as you.”

“Wow.” Clarke chuckled but Lexa could see in her eyes that she was going to say yes. “What about that girl from last week? She’s beautiful enough.”

“I’ve never danced with her,” Lexa smiled down at her. “Don’t leave me hanging. I got reputation to hold on to, I don’t want the ladies to start knowing me as that girl who got rejected that one Friday night.”

“So many words,” Clarke chuckled. She put her hand in Lexa’s and got up. The blush on her cheeks made her even prettier. If something like that was even possible. “I don’t really know how to dance.”

“Now I know that’s a lie.”

“Swear to God,” Clarke smiled when Lexa pulled her closer with her hand high on her waist. Lexa was hoping Clarke was going to be as bad as she is, or at least as bad as she said she was. It turned out Clarke was lying. “Have you thought this through?,” she asked her after the third time she pulled her on the wrong side.

“I might not be the best,” Lexa grinned.

“Then I’ll lead.” Clarke took Lexa’s hand and put her around her neck. She put her hand on Lexa’s waist and took Lexa’s right hand in her. She smelled like jasmine. That was the first thing Lexa noticed when Clarke pulled her closer. Lexa also noticed Clarke looking much more comfortable than a couple of minutes before. There was something in the way Clarke was looking at her that didn’t coincide with what Anya was telling her. 

“You are really good at this,” Lexa said to distract herself from the way Clarke felt under her fingertips.

“My dad taught me.”

“He taught you well.”

“Years of practice,” Clarke smiled. “Mostly with various stuffed animals.”

“I hope I’m a better partner.”

“Well that’s hard to say, they were all very soft and warm and fluffy,” Clarke grinned.

“And I’m not?”

“You are warm, but,” Lexa felt Clarke’s hand move up a bit on her side, “you’re not as soft or fluffy.”

“Are you sure? I’ve been told I’m very soft and very fluffy.”

“Well I’m not talking here about character traits,” Clarke smirked.

“You think I’m soft and fluffy?” Lexa opened her eyes wide, feigning surprise.

“Very.”

“Well you are very wrong,” Lexa said. “I’m very hard and-”

“Rough?”

“When needed,” Lexa smirked.

“Sounds like something a soft and fluffy person would say.” 

This Clarke was different than the one Lexa had a chance to make blush with comments like that. “You got me there,” she said instead of saying something that could turn the situation from great to awkward.

“I’m great at reading people,” Clarke said.

“There’s always room for improvement.”

After the first song ended Clarke dropped her hand from Lexa’s hip. “One more?,” Lexa asked putting it back where it was. “Please,” Lexa pouted. Clarke sighed. She gripped at Lexa’s hips and shook her head. “It’s fun,” Lexa said. The next song was much slower than the one before. “Is this okay?,” Lexa asked after she put her both hands around Clarke’s neck.

“Yes.” Clarke was an excellent dancer. So good that she even made Lexa look good. They swayed together, moving with music and when Lexa looked at her eyes, when she saw up close how blue they were and the soft red lipstick on her lips, she felt her palms starting to sweat. When Clarke smiled at Lexa wanted to lean and close the short distance between her and Clarke’s lips. “Lexa?” The room stopped existing, everything vanished except her and Clarke.

“Lexa?”

“Hmm.”

“There’s no more music?” Lexa stared at Clarke’s lips long before the blonde said anything and long after she stopped talking. “Lexa.”

“Yes,” Lexa blinked away any thought she had about kissing Clarke. She looked up at her eyes and smiled, pretending nothing had happened and she hadn’t spent the last three minutes staring at Clarke’s lips. “Sorry,” she said.

“I shoul-”

“A couple of us are going out tonight,” Lexa blurted it out before Clarke could finish what she was saying. “Me, Luna, Anya. Do you wanna come?,” Lexa asked. “You can bring more people. Whoever.” Clarke’s hands were no longer on her hips. She could tell because her heart stopped beating like it was going to jump out her chest. She quickly pulled back her own from around Clarke’s neck. “It’s gonna be fun.”

“Okay. Maybe.”

“Is it okay or maybe?”

“Maybe okay.”

“Okay.”

When Clarke left Lexa let out a breath she was holding in since she saw Clarke. 

* * *

“I can’t wait to see you freak out again.” It was the third time Luna said something like that since they got to the club. First time was ten seconds after Lexa told them, Luna and Anya, that Clarke and Raven were going to be there in half an hour.

“How drunk can I get in half an hour?,” Anya sighed into her glass.

“You don’t know what you missed last time Clarke was next to her,” Luna laughed. “I can’t wait until you see it for yourself.”

“That’s why I need to be drunk when that happens,” Anya said.

“How sure are you that she’s straight? I mean the way she was leaning into you…”

“I can name you ten straight girls that leaned into her long enough for her to forget they were straight.”

“Maybe Clarke can be eleventh,” Luna laughed.

“No,” Anya’s stern voice warned and set a line, one Luna was going to think twice to cross again.

“That’s not something either of us wants,” Anya said and looked at Lexa. “Right?”

“Yeah yeah,” Lexa was too busy looking between her phone and front door to be bothered with what her friends were talking about.

“She’s not listening,” Luna said.

“I’m choosing not to.”

“Anyway, it was almost painful trying to see act cool when it was so obvious you are anything but. You’re lucky she doesn’t know you yet and can’t see through the bullshit,” Luna chuckled. “And let’s not even get started on how much you wanted Niylah to disappear. It’s gonna be a long couple of months for you,” Luna said.

“What about Niylah?,” Anya asked.

“Nothing about Niylah.”

“She seems to be another fan of Clarke’s.”

“I don’t know how she does it, how she manages to cast a spell on everyone she interacts with,” Anya shook her head in disbelief.

“I’m not under any spell,” Lexa sighed.

“Sure you’re not,” Anya said.

“There they are,” Luna tilted her head to her left. Clarke was wearing a tight fit black dress that went down to just above her knees. Her hair was hanging loose and she was looking at her phone when Raven pointed in their direction. “May God have mercy on your soul,” Luna whispered to Lexa.

“I always forget how hot she is,” Anya said from the other side. Lexa couldn’t think or breath properly. “You should probably close your mouth,” she said to Lexa.

“Hi guys,” Raven grinned and sat down next to Anya. “Always good to see you,” she smirked. “When you’re not looking like you wanna rip my head off.”

“Likewise,” Anya chuckled.

No one except Lexa noticed Luna switched from sitting next to her to the empty seat next to Raven. “Hi,” Clarke said before sitting next to Lexa.

Lexa put her hands on the table in front of her and focused her eyes on the empty glass on that same table. Her friends were talking about something but her brain couldn’t process it because no matter how hard she tried not to look, her eyes just wouldn’t listen. Instead of drilling holes in the glass, she’d lose focus and look down to her left at all the pale skin that was hiding behind Clarke’s dress.

“Are you okay?,” Clarke asked her after she hadn’t said anything in a while.

“Yes, why?” Lexa tried her best to hold Clarke’s gaze.

“You haven’t said anything and you look kinda pale.”

“Don’t worry that’s her natural look when around pre-,” Anya slapped Luna’s hand before she could finish. “Ouch, rude,” she said instead.

“I’m fine, but thanks for asking,” Lexa said. 

“Do you wanna continue your dance lessons?,” Clarke smiled at her.

“Umm.” It came as a surprise. Whole Clarke’s demeanor came as a surprise. It was probably the liquor that made things run and feel smoother.

“We don’t have to, I just thought-”

“Yes,” Lexa said before Clarke could change her mind. “That’d be great,” she smiled.

“Wait, you’re gonna dance?” Anya looked at her as if she had said she was going to kill someone.

“Yes,” Lexa said.

“Since when?”

“Today.” Lexa was going to say something else, something witty and cool and something that would shut any more comments form either Anya or Luna, or Raven for that matter, but Clarke took her hand and Lexa forgot about any of those things or those people. 

“We’ll be back,” Clarke said and lead Lexa to the dance floor.

As Lexa’s luck would have it music turned to faster and louder the moment they started to dance. It meant two things. She didn’t have to worry about having Clarke in her hands and forgetting where her own hands were and she could watch Clarke dance, with her eyes closed, her hands sliding down her sides and twisting her hips.

Clarke must have noticed. She reached and pulled Lexa by shirt. “You’re not dancing,” she said to her.

“Sorry,” Lexa half smiled and half tried to dance. Then the fast and loud came to an end and the pace of music slowed down.

Clarke smiled and put her hands around Lexa’s neck. “You can lead this round,” she whispered.

Lexa’s pulse shot up the moment she felt Clarke’s body pressed against hers. She couldn’t not notice how well they fit together and the warmth her body radiated. It was unconsciously at first, the way Lexa’s hands started to roam around Clarke’s back but Clarke’s must have like it, because the moment Lexa’s stopped she sneaked her own hands over the collar of Lexa’s shirt to the back of her neck. “You’re too gorgeous for your own good.” Clarke’s hands went down Lexa’s shoulders, leading Lexa’s hands to her hips. “No wonder you have women throwing themselves at you.”

“You think I’m gorgeous?”

“Way too.”

“I think you’re the gorgeous one,” Lexa smiled.

“There’s no reason we both can’t be.” 

The smile on Lexa’s face grew bigger when Clarke’s hands went back around her neck. And then disappeared when someone yanked them away.

“Cameras are flashing,” Lexa heard Raven say to Clarke. It made her drop her hands from Lexa’s in a matter of seconds. “And the paps are outside.”

“Jesus.” Clarke’s face turned from red to light. It was everything but a good sign.

“Let’s go back to the table.” Raven took Clarke’s hand and dragged her away from Lexa who was left standing alone surrounded with people who spent more time looking at her than dancing. Eventually she followed them and went back to their table.

“Do you want me to do something about it?,” Anya asked her when she sat down.

“No.”

She saw Anya looking at her with concern, “TMZ is gonna-”

“I don’t care,” Lexa cut her off. Clarke on the other hand looked like she cared a tad bit too much. 

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” Luna told her but panic was seeping out of every pore in Clarke’s body. It was painfully obvious how much she regretted what had just happened.

“There’s a closed off alley in the back, they don’t let them through but they’ll let your driver pass,” Lexa said once she saw there was no point in saying anything else. 

“We’ll do that,” Raven said and got up to make a call. “Thanks,” she pulled Clarke with her. 

“Sorry.” It was the first and last thing Clarke told her since they stopped dancing.

“That was… a panic if I ever saw one,” Luna said after Clarke and Raven left.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to-”

“Yes Anya, I’m sure,” Lexa said while still staring at the empty chair where Clarke was sitting a minute ago.

“She’s gonna deny,” Anya said.

“There’s nothing to deny.”

“She will.”

“And we will play along.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't jump to any conclusions 
> 
> come talk to me at ordinarklo.tumblr.com


	5. Chapter 5

“What do you want me to do?” It was 30 minutes and 47 seconds since Lexa last smiled at her. It wasn’t like Clarke was counting, no that would have been too cheesy even for her. It just happened to be that she remembered the numbers on her phone screen when she looked away from that smile, scared that it might force her to stay or do something that she wasn’t ready to do. When 31 minutes had passed Clarke was already back at her apartment, pacing up and down her living room, staring at her phone and seemingly endless number of photos that kept coming and drowning her phone. She hadn’t answered any of the Raven’s questions because Lexa’s smile was too important. “Clarke? You need to stop even if it’s just for a minute, put down your phone, stop staring at those photos and talk to me. We need to decide what we should do.”

“Don’t you think this is not a question for us?,” Clarke finally said. It only took Raven stepping over more than one line. She looked back at the way Lexa was looking at her like she held the moon and the stars. It’s funny how you sometimes need to distance yourself from the center to see that the shore likes the ocean as much as the ocean likes the shore. 

“Clarke, please. I know you are upset but we need to-”

“Isn’t that your job?,” Clarke didn’t plan on raising her voice at one of her two longest friends. She really wasn’t. But it was the captions under the photos that cut her more than any video and photo that emerged.

“You don’t have to be a bitch to me.” Raven snatched Clarke’s phone out of her hands and put it in her back pocket. “It’s not my fault you got carried away in the middle of a club full of people.”

“Give me back my phone.”

“So you can what? Get more angry staring at the pictures and videos?”

“That’s not what I was doing.”

“What are we going to do Clarke? You need to make a decision.” It was destined to happen, sooner or later, no matter how careful Clarke was or how many times she evaded the exact same situation she found herself in that night, she knew it was going to happen. She also knew Raven had only her best interest in her heart and head, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Lexa. About the way her smile disappeared when Clarke dropped her hands and let go of her as if she was fire and Clarke needed ice.

“What do you think I should do?”

“I think you have less than ten minutes before Octavia calls you, so we should either do something or you need to figure out what you’re going to say to her.”

“Raven what do you think I should do?,” Clarke asked again, this time a bit more desperate. At the core was it the hurt that Lexa couldn’t hide in that brief couple of seconds between good and ugly. Clarke didn’t really care about the photos or the words that were about to be written about her.

“You can do nothing.” Clarke slid down to the floor, her back pressed against the couch and her head looking up at the ceiling. “That means dozen assumptions and million questions.”

“I don’t want that.”

Raven bent down and sat next to Clarke. She gave her back the phone and put her own between her feet. “That’s gonna happen regardless,” Raven said. “It looked like you two were together.”

“We were just dancing.”

“Picture speaks a thousand words.”

“You’re not helping Raven.” Clarke switched between two social media accounts she had. Both were flooded.

“What would you do if you were just Clarke and Lexa?”

“I’d be in her bed now.”

“That’s bold of you to assume that she’d want you there,” Raven smiled. 

“You don’t think she would?”

“I don’t think she’d last that long. Bathroom or back of her car is more likely.”

If there was anyone who knew how much Clarke needed things to be at least a bit lighter before they turned dark it was Raven. Raven who guided her through lifetime worth of tragedy. “Do you think she’ll say anything?”

“You mean admit her undying lust for you or deny it was her in those photos?”

“Both.”

“I don’t think she’ll say anything,” Raven said. 

“Then tell them we are just friends, nothing more, that we were celebrating, had a couple of drinks and got carried away.” Clarke tapped her finger on the one app she spent most of her time on. A photo of her in Lexa’s arms popped up. “She probably hates me, or thinks I’m just playing with her.”

“Then don’t say anything. Let them have whatever they think they have. You are allowed to not say anything, to just exist and be Clarke. You don’t owe anyone anything.”

“If I do that then half of them will dissect every relationship I’ve ever had and the rest will say I’m gay for pay,” Clarke said. “I’ve been so careful all these years and now this shit happens.”

“Then just-” They had that same conversation many times before, Clarke’s answer was always the same.

“I don’t want that to be the only thing they’ll say about me.”

“Lexa is out and-”

“Lexa is a mysterious cool girl, a dream come true for half of the world,” Clarke sighed. “I’m America’s sweetheart. She’s been out since she started working and I’m...not.”

“And the fact that she’s gay is not the only thing they say about her.”

“And you seriously think that would happen in my case?” Clarke waited a bit for Raven’s response that she knew wasn’t going to come. “I won’t do it and I’m getting tired of these conversations.”

“Then tell her.”

“What?”

“You are right, she will think you are just playing with her,” Raven said. “Tell her you’re not. Tell her the truth.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why?”

“Because she won’t go back in the closet for me.”

“Why would she do that? Again you’re making assumptions and thinking so far ahead and it makes no sense. You’re gonna be working with her for a very long time and I think it’s not in anyone’s interest that you two are not at least friends,” Raven said. “I’m not saying you should start a relationship with her, just tell her that you weren’t playing with her.”   
“I don’t want to put myself in the position that can lead to me breaking my own heart. You call it making assumptions and I call it being cautious.”

“Why weren’t you being cautious all these past weeks?”

“Raven please, I’d rather have her think I was just playing.”

“That’s so fucking stupid.”

“Thank you for your input,” Clarke got up back on her feet. “Send them what I told you.”

* * *

“It’s been a month and people are still posting those photos, what the fuck do I need to do to not see that anymore?”

“Find another girlfriend,” Raven laughed from the kitchen. She even got a chuckle out of Octavia. Clarke was the only one not finding it amusing. “You can’t stop them from posting, that’s never going to happen. For as long as there is a place for them to post it, they will keep posting and reposting,” Raven added. “It’s not like you didn’t know that.”

“What’s so fucking special about those photos, I don’t get it,” Clarke sighed. It was a rough month. Tabloids moved to some other victim after a week and Lexa didn’t say anything. That was what made it rough. When Clarke wasn’t avoiding her Lexa was nice and sweet, but there were no more drinks after work.

“Don’t play dumb Clarke, it’s just two famous women going at it,” Raven said. 

“We are not going at it.”

“In one of the videos she’s looking at you like she’s about to rip your clothes off. And you’re not any better.” It was the first thing Octavia said that night on the subject. It was a sign to Clarke of just how annoyed Octavia must had been. “Just let it go and let them talk. It’s just fans. No one else is talking. Just like you wanted,” Octavia added.

“Please don’t start that, not you,” Clarke said. “I thought you of all people would be on my side.”

“Then you don’t know me as well as I hoped you do and I’m not starting anything.”

“Let people have fun Clarke,” Raven said from the couch. “Twitter user Lexabae is not your enemy,” she smirked. “That Lara girl probably is.”

“Shut up Raven.”

“It’s been a month, I thought your crush was going to fade by now,” Octavia said.

“You’re lucky you don’t get to see it firsthand every day,” Raven said. “If you see her drooling in the first episode know that was actors choice.”

“Fuck off Raven.”

“Relax Clarke, I bet Lara is only substituting you,” Raven teased.

“I don’t care about Lara.”

“Sure, that’s why you are obsessively lurking on Lexabae.”

“Can you stop?,” Clarke said.

“I can, but that’s not gonna make  _ that _ stop.”

“It’s probably her way of trying to make your life less miserable. She just doesn’t know it’s making it more miserable,” Octavia said. The only sign of Clarke’s acknowledgment of what she said was the confused look that replaced the slightly angry one. Octavia sighed and continued, “She’s been on and off with that girl for months. Not even on and off, just sex.”

“How is that gonna make her feel better?,” Raven came back to the couch with a bowl of popcorn and a bag of chocolate. “I think that just sex part is the worst thing for our dear Clarke here to think about.”

“That could’ve been easily solved but,” some things Octavia didn’t have to say out loud, “anyways that’s not what I wanted to say. All of a sudden the spotlight is on and Clarke loses her mind and all of a sudden Lexa is dating Lara,” Octavia said. “My guess is she’s doing it so that people would stop caring about those photos of you looking in love with her.”

“Why in the world would you think that?”

“Because I’ve known her for a while and I know a lot of people around her,” Octavia said. “It’s your fault she thinks you are just another straight girl that would go gay for her.” The last part was what sent Raven into fit of giggles and what turned Clarke’s face from white to red. “What? I’m off the clock,” Octavia said opening another beer.

“That you are,” Raven smiled. 

“You should probably text her,” Octavia said to Clarke. “Ask her for drinks or food or something and ask her about it. She won’t lie to you, it’s not really her thing and you’ll stop looking like you are one step away from strangling someone.”

“What I wanna know is if she looks like that because she hates Lara or because she wants to be Lara,” Raven said.

“A good mix of both is my guess.”

“I hate both of you, I hope you know that,” Clarke shook her head and threw a pillow over her face. 

“It’s all gonna be okay Clarke. Just make sure that when you change your mind it won’t be too late.”

* * *

It was an especially hard day at set. Hard for Clarke because it mostly consisted of Lexa scenes, scenes that were emotionally draining in more ways than one.

That was why during the 30 minutes break she had before the last scene of the day Clarke went from room to room trying to find one that was empty. That was how she bumped into one person that she was trying to not bump into.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Clarke said after she bursted in and saw Lexa laying on the couch. She quickly sat up and straightened her back. “I thought no one was here. I’ll go.”

“It’s alright, I don’t mind,” Lexa said. “I could use company.”

“No, I can leave.” Clarke was still standing at the door, neither in nor out of the room. Lexa was the one person she wanted to hide from but now that she was in front of her she only wanted to be close to her. She looked as tired as Clarke felt.

“You don’t have to, there’s plenty of space for two people here.”

“Are you sure?” Clarke got in and closed the door. “I just needed a bit of break.”

“I know.” Lexa moved to the far end of the couch making place for Clarke to sit but Clarke opted for the safer choice, one of the chairs lined up on the far side of the room, left and far enough from where Lexa was sitting. It made Lexa smile, but the smile was short lived. “Me too,” Lexa said. “How are you? We haven’t really had a chance to talk. In a while.”

“That’s probably my fault.”

“It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. It’s been a crazy month.”

“It sure has. And I didn’t think you’d have much time.” 

“What do you mean?” Lexa frowned because unlike Clarke liked to think, not everyone could read her mind. Not everyone also knew that Clarke had spent night upon nights thinking over the words she was going to say to Lexa when she gathered enough courage to talk to her alone. She had them all ready and neatly packed in her head and they were flowing out of her when she was in front of a mirror late at night and with a glass of wine in her hand. Endless lines of possibilities in her head. But now that Lexa was in front of her, waiting for the neatly packed words, Clarke couldn’t get herself to say any.

“With your new relationship.” All she could do is find out if Octavia was right.

“My new relationship?” Lexa still had the same confused look on her face and Clarke was still on the right track to hide her amused smile.

“Lara. I think,” Clarke knew she had to be not too obvious why she was asking it.

“Oh that,” Lexa said. “That’s not-,” Lexa hesitated answering unasked question. “That’s not really a relationship.”

“What do you mean?,” Clarke was persistent in her desire to know the answer to the question that bothered her enough to mess with her sleep. Not a lot of people would be able to say that they kept Clarke Griffin awake at night. It was on more than one occasion that she was the one responsible for keeping Clarke up at an unholy hour of night.

“Just a distraction.”

Lexa was still cheap with her words, not as willing to give many of them away like she was a month ago. There weren’t a lot of things this Lexa had in common with the one Clarke was caught on camera dancing with. But her smile was still the same and that’s why Clarke wasn’t going to give up. “What do you mean distraction?”

“You really want me to spell it out for you?,” Lexa chuckled. It looked like Clarke wasn’t really good at hiding her true intentions. “You looked like you needed someone to take a bit of heat off of you,” Lexa finally said. “You looked like you wanted to disappear from the face of the Earth and I had an easy way out for both of us.”

“Easy way out?”

“You’ve been avoiding me for a month and now you wanna talk about it?”

Clarke wasn’t expecting that. She never dreamed Lexa was going to be so upfront about something that neither of them acknowledged in the 30 days that passed. Not once had Lexa said anything even resembling what was about to come Clarke’s way.

“I wasn’t avoiding you,” Clarke said.

“It’s okay Clarke, it’s not my first ride.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. You can’t say something like that and-”

“We’ll need you in 10 minutes Lexa,” Lincoln’s assistant opened the door and said the short couple of words before he disappeared again.

“It’s not the first time I had a girl freak out like that. Just the first time cameras were there.”

“It wasn’t what you think it was.”

“We can only make conclusions based on the facts that we have.”

“I didn’t freak out because of you.”

“No?”

“No Lexa. I know you don’t know me but I’d never do the thing you’re thinking I did.” 

“What would you think if you were in my shoes?”

“Are you mad at me?” There was a sense of urgency flowing through Clarke’s body and it must have showed in her words and face because Lexa’s face softened.

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“You speak as if you are.”

“I don’t have a reason to be mad at you Clarke.”

“I’m sorry that night turned out the way it did.”

“Clarke it’s okay.”

“You keep saying that but I don’t think you mean it.”

“You don’t think I mean it?”

“Your words are saying one thing and your eyes are saying something else.”

“And what are my eyes saying that doesn’t match my words?”

“Your words don’t sound hurt and your eyes look like they are.”

“Like I said Clarke, it’s not my first rodeo.”

“It wasn’t what you think.”

“I just, I just hope you know I would never ask you to do something you didn’t want to do and that you can talk to me… I might know a thing or two about whatever it is that’s bothering you,” Lexa said. “But that’s not what matters right now,” Lexa got up. “I hope they laid off of you. And I’m not mad, swear to God. As far as I’m concerned nothing between us has changed. I’ll buy you a drink when you’re ready to stop avoiding me as much,” Lexa smiled. “Somewhere without people. I promise.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> doctor's orders.
> 
> merry clexmas!

Lexa felt sting of betrayal bite her heart only three times in her life. First time when Santa didn’t bring her the sword she wanted for her seventh Christmas. Her mother sold her a story of good kids getting on Santa’s list of goodies and waking up on Christmas day to the present of their dreams. Only in Lexa’s case, under her tree on Christmas morning that year was a bike instead of a sword she so desperately wanted. Safe to say next year she spent doing everything but what good kids were supposed to do. 

Second time was when her love got too much for Costia and she backed out and left her on a warm summer day. They were spending the day at Lexa’s parents house. Lexa felt there was something off with her girlfriend, and it got worse as the day went on. Costia told her she needed time in Lexa’s car in front of her apartment. 

The third, and last time, was when Clarke ran away from her. She left the club shortly after her but she didn’t go home. She walked around for a while trying to stop her brain from replaying the night in her head. She tried her best not to think how Clarke’s body felt pressed against her own, Clarke’s hands around her neck, Clarke’s warm breath on her skin and most of all about the way Clarke dropped her hands and ran at the first mention of photos, people staring and public knowing. Lexa didn’t even know what was that freaked her out the most but she was certain that it was an unhealthy mix of all those things. She was mad and at the same time felt extremely sorry for Clarke. Mad because of obvious reason and sorry because the panic she saw in Clarke’s eyes when Raven told her about photos was something Lexa intimately knew. 

She ended her night in a different club, with a different blonde dancing on her. But she went home alone and fell asleep drunk on Clarke’s eyes haunting her dreams.

“Do you know how phones work?” Anya’s comments got progressively worse as the time went on. Right after it happened she was quiet for a while, she knew the history Lexa had with similar situations. The teasing started when she saw Lexa easing up, her eyes softening at mention or sight of Clarke and the hope in her eyes that disappeared every time Clarke looked the other way. 

“Yes.” Lexa’s was preoccupied staring at TV, images flashing in front of her eyes as she glanced at her phone more often than she was willing to admit.

“You can be the one to pick up the phone.”

It had been a couple of days since she talked with Clarke after a very long month Clarke spent ignoring her. 

“It’s not my call to make.”

“Don’t be one of those people. If you want to be her friend then pick it up. Make it a bit easier for her,” Anya said.

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you are the sweetest and kindest person in the world,” Anya said. “You’re not the stubborn kind.”

“I know, you are just your overly considerate self but maybe you could be a bit less in this situation.”

“Why do you care so much what I will and won’t do?”

“Because I see how bad you want that phone to ring. It’s been like that for days now. What if she won’t call? Are you going to wait for forever?”

“You are making it a way bigger deal than it is.” At the same time Lexa said it her screen lit up. She picked it up before Anya could even say anything. She put it back even faster when she saw it wasn’t Clarke. “Not a word,” she warned Anya. “I don’t want to hear a word from you.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” Anya tried not to laugh. “You are so desperate,” she maybe could hide the laugh but she couldn’t stop the words from leaving her mouth. “I mean I love you more than anyone in the world but you are so desperate right now. And you’ve been for two months,” Anya chuckeld. “I’ve never seen you like this, not even when you first met Costia.”

“I thought you weren’t going to say anything.”

“Oh I didn’t say anything about how desperate you were to look at the phone only to be disappointed, I’m just saying how desperate you are in general.”

“Can we talk about something else or do I have to go to bed at 9pm?,” Lexa glared at her.

“Lincoln told me you guys are doing Secret Santa on set.”

“I know, he asked me the other day if I’d be up for that.”

“Did you say yes secretly hoping you’d get Clarke or that Clarke would get you?”

“Anya, I swear to God if you don’t stop.”   
“There’s also that Christmas party coming soon,” Anya smirked.

“I know.”

“Are you gonna wear the infamous hat?”

“Choose your next words wisely Anya,” Lexa stared at her knowing very well what Anya was going to say next.

“I just think that would be a perfect way to get the kiss you want so bad.”

“I might just save myself the trouble and stick it up your ass.”

* * *

Lexa was just getting out of the shower when her phone rang. She answered without looking who was calling. She assumed it was Anya because that was the call she was expecting. She was supposed to come over at Lexa’s place.

“Hi,” Lexa was surprised to hear a voice that certainly didn’t belong to Anya. “It’s Clarke.” When Lexa heard her name, she felt the inexplicable need to put a towel around herself. “I hope I didn’t catch you at a wrong time.”

“No no, I was just getting out of shower.”

“Oh.”

“I mean I was out of shower,” Lexa cringed at her own words. Anya was right, she was too desperate. “How are you?”

“Good. I’m good. It’s been good.”

“Good.”

“You?”

“Not bad,” Lexa said.

“Good.”

“Do I also have to say good again?”

“I’m sorry, I’m rambling.”

“I wouldn’t call this rambling.”

“Wrong word I know. I’m better with colors than with words.”

“Good to know.” Lexa walked from bathroom to her bedroom. She laid on her bed, legs hanging lose over the bed. “Is there something else you wanna share with me?”

“I prefer rain to snow,” Clarke said after a couple of seconds. Lexa could hear music playing in the background but she couldn’t decipher what it was. 

“What are you listening to?”

“What do you mean?”

“I can hear something playing but I can’t hear it good enough to know what it is.”

“Bad things by Meiko.”

“I don’t think I know that one.”

The music got louder after a couple of seconds. It was a nice beat, Lexa still didn’t know it but she was starting to like it. “It’s not bad.”

“It’s great for when you’re having a drink.”

“You’re having a drink?”

“Water.”

“I hear that one is really good for you.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“We’re both about water tonight, you drinking it and me showering in it.”

Clarke giggled on the other side of the phone. “Thank you for trying to make this less awkward.”

“I don’t think it’s awkward at all.”

“Do you wanna get a drink with me? At Grounders? Or someplace else you want, I’m good with whatever.”

“I’d like that.”

“How about tonight?”

“Tonight?”

“I mean, doesn’t have to be tonight if you have other stuff you need to do or plans, I was just thinking if you are free, I know I am and-”

“Tonight is good,” Lexa interrupted the rambling Clarke started and had no end in sight. “How about 7pm?”

“Perfect.”

“Then see you in a couple of hours.”

* * *

Lexa had the whole thing ready in her head, the thing she was going to say to Clarke. It was supposed to make the night and the rest of relationship, whatever it might turn out to be, easier for both of them. It all disappeared as soon as she saw Clarke smile at her.

Instead of her big talk Lexa just smiled and sat down, “What are we drinking?,” was the first thing she said.

“Water?,” Clarke said with a shy smile. It looked like they were back to square one, the first time they were alone.

“I think wine would be better,” Lexa said. “I can’t treat a girl with a drink of water.”

“I’m the one buying.”

The main problem was that Lexa didn’t know what Clarke was expecting from her. Was she supposed to just sit and listen or was she supposed to be the one leading, asking and wondering. Clarke certainly looked and sounded different than a couple of hours before when they were on the phone. She was also visibly nervous. The glass in front of her went left then right, then leaned up before back down. Lexa stared at Clarke’s fingers tapping nervously on the glass then on the table under the glass. Clarke must had noticed because she stopped and put her hands somewhere behind the table, on her lap.

“I’m sorry,” she said. 

“Do you want me to go first?”

“Can I?,” Clarke immediately said.

“Of course.”

“I’m sorry about that night. For the way I left and the way I reacted. I wasn’t expecting it and I acted like a jerk. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s all good,” Lexa smiled softly. She wanted to reach her hand and assure Clarke with her hands because she knew the words weren’t going to do much for the girl sitting in front of her. “I wasn’t expecting it either.”

“No, no, it was very shitty thing to do. I never imagined I would do something like that and I don’t want you to think that everything I said and did that night and prior to it was in any way… I’m just sorry for that night and everything that went on after it. I don’t do well with that kind of attention. I should’ve probably said that before all this. But better late than never. I hope.”

“I had an ex, she was in the closet while we were together and I know what it can do to a person and to all of your relationships. What it can do to the way you perceive the world and the way the world sees you. How fucked up it can be when you get lost in all of it and you forget that you are just a person and that you are allowed to just exist, something that’s not possible when you are in the situation that you are, or that she was in. When there are assumptions about you whether you do or don’t do something. There’s always someone with an opinion because that’s something everyone thinks they are entitled to. I’m not assuming anything about you, and I’m not saying you and her are in any way in a similar situation, I just want you to know that it’s okay, that I understand and that there are no hard feelings. I just hope that everything that happened and didn’t happen won’t in any way affect our relationship and that I’ll have a chance to be your friend for years to come.”

“You gave me the speech I was supposed to give to you,” Clarke said. “I should be the one hoping you want to stay my friend after the shit I pulled.”

“People always say I’m the most reasonable person in any room.”

“Was that a dab at me?” Clarke arched her brow. “I mean I totally deserve it, just asking.”

“Never,” Lexa smiled. “I just might know a thing or two, and I would never want you to feel like I know you could feel and probably have felt. All is good with me. That’s all I was trying to say.”

“Why are you always so nice?”

“I’m definitely not always nice.”

“You are to me.”

“You haven’t done anything that would make me be anything but nice to you.”

“I think there might be a thing or two.”

“Trust me.”

“Thank you.”

* * *

Over the next month, with every day, Clarke got more and more under Lexa’s skin. It was one of the worse months of Lexa’s life. Everyday Clarke came closer and closer. It started with Clarke’s hand absentmindedly touched some part of Lexa’s. At first Lexa gave it no thought whatsoever. But then Clarke’s hand would stay longer and longer on hers before moving to her back. That was when Lexa started noticing every little touch Clarke gave. One day Clarke was gently tapping Lexa’s forearm, the other she was scratching Lexa’s back and other times she’d tap her thigh. That one was the only she was conscious about doing because the moment she realized what she was doing she’d pull back and not touch Lexa for the rest of the day.

Some days Clarke wouldn’t care and on those days her legs would hang over Lexa’s while they waited for the next scene. 

“You look cozy,” Lexa couldn’t help herself after Clarke went further and curled up next to her. Her heart didn’t let her stay quiet.

“If you mind I can-”

“I just said you look cozy,” Lexa tried to reassure both Clarke and herself.

“I didn’t sleep well and it’s way too early,” Clarke said. “You are warm and I could fall asleep, hope you don’t mind.”

“If you want to you can, I’ll wake you up when they call us.”

“I don’t wanna take even more advantage of you.”

“I don’t see how sleeping is taking advantage of me.”

“I’m taking advantage of your shoulder and your legs.”

“You’re not the first one.”

“Way to make a girl feel special.”

“I didn’t know you wanna feel special.”

“I think I’m gonna take a nap,” Clarke ignored and Lexa’s hurt ached a bit more. 

“I’ll be sure to wake you up.”

Lexa spent the next 30 minutes counting Clarke’s heartbeats. 

“Okay guys,” Lincoln said after they finished the last scene of the day. It was late and the day had been particularly long. “It’s that time of the year and we are going to love every second of it,” he picked up a box and opened it. It was full of tiny pieces of papers. “Of course those who said that they wanna participate. Who is going first?”

“I think you should,” Clarke said.

“Okay then,” Lincoln nodded. “But you’re next.” He put his hand in the box and took out a piece of paper before handing the box to Clarke. She did the same and took a peek at her paper. She smiled, briefly and tiny and Lexa knew no one who wasn’t staring at her could notice it. When Lexa’s turn came there was only one paper left in the box. Somewhere in the back of her mind there was a hope for a name written on it, hope that disappeared when she saw Lincoln’s name instead of Clarke’s. She tried her best to hide the disappointment. “Now that everyone has their Santa we can all go home. Next week we have a Christmas slash break party and I want you to make something nice for your person. It’s Christmas spirit and we are all friends who love each other. Let’s show each other just how much.”

Before the big lights turned off, Lexa’s eyes once again found Clarke, this time the blonde was smiling at her.

* * *

Lexa was too lazy to get creative for Lincoln’s present. She got him a bottle of scotch, something she knew he always appreciated. She gave it to him the minute she got to the restaurant where they were having the party. She got there a bit later than she intended to. She mingled around, saying hi to other people. Christmas spirit was in full swing so the fact that Lexa had her stupid hat with mistletoe on it wasn’t that big of a deal. Still, she was smart enough to fold back and hide the mistletoe before she got there. After Lexa was done with saying hellos and engaging in all the required small talk, she went around the room searching for Luna. She found her waiting with two glasses of something brown in her hands, grinning like an idiot. 

“I fucking love that hat. I thought you weren’t going to put it on tonight.”

“You should know me better than to think that.”

“You are hoping to snatch a kiss or two? Someone particular in mind?”

“Don’t be Anya.”

“You’re forgetting I’m the one who gets to see you suffering almost every day.”

“For the last time I’m not suffering.”

“A bit,” Luna said. “She’s on the balcony with Niylah. In case you were wondering.”

“Didn’t ask, but thanks.” Lexa then saw the teddy bear on the chair next to Luna. “What’s that?”

“Secret santa,” Luna smiled. “One of camera guys.”

“Cute.”

“He is.”

“I meant the bear.”

“Both are,” Luna smirked. “But your present will be much better.”

Lexa frowned. “You know who my Secret Santa is?”

“Of course I do and don’t even think about asking because I’m not telling you.” Lexa didn’t even hear the end of Luna’s sentence because her eyes caught Clarke getting in the room. “Please don’t have a stroke.”

“She’s so beautiful.”

“You do realize you said that out loud.”

“I mean look at her.”

“Oh honey, you’ve fell so deep.”

“She’s coming here.”

It felt like the whole room stopped breathing when Clarke walked around. She was going to walk up to Lexa, she knew it because she was wearing that smile Clarke had trouble hiding around her. She got stopped a couple of times, pulled up by her hand and lost a second or two.

“I realized I haven’t said hi to either of you.”

“Hello Clarke,” Luna said.

“Hi.”

“Enjoying yourself?”

Lexa let Luna do the talking, mostly because she knew she wouldn’t be able to form a sentence that could make a lot of sense. The only thing going through her mind were Clarke, pretty, don’t stare, look up. It made more sense to stay quiet than to say one of those things.

“I like the hat.”

Lexa took it off as fast as she could. Luna started laughing even faster. “It’s just a stupid thing I’ve been doing for a while now.”

“I said I like it,” Clarke smiled.

“Thanks.”

“You should put it back, it’s supposed to be Christmas spirit all around.”

“You’re not really the one to say something,” Luna said. Clarke’s outfit was different from the others. Most of people had the standard ugly Christmas sweaters, hats or both. She was wearing black jeans, red blouse and red and green reindeer antlers on her head.

“Black for Santa’s boots and belt. Red for his outfit and antlers for reindeers,” Clarke grinned. “To not drift too far from Secret Santa theme of the night.”

“You make for one hot Santa, I can tell you that much,” Luna said. “Right Lexa?”

Lexa was sure her face was just a shade away from Clarke’s shirt. If there was ever any doubt, one look at Clarke’s face gave it away. The amused smile that she had when they were dancing and Lexa was barely keeping it together. “Right,” she managed to say.

“Thank you,” Clarke said. “But I gotta ask. What’s the point of mistletoe if you’re gonna hide it?”

“I’m saving it for special occasion.”

“Not person?”

“Maybe both,” Luna said.

“I’m gonna go say hi to Lincoln,” Clarke smiled. “But I’ll see you later.”

“You are such a useless lesbian, I’m amazed every time,” Luna said after Clarke left and Lexa started to breathe again.

“God she’s so pretty.” Lexa still couldn’t take her eyes off of Clarke. She followed her across the room and continued to stare when Clarke started to talk with Lincoln.

“You need to chill a bit.”

“I think what I need is another drink.”

* * *

“Lexa you’ve been drooling for the past hour. You need to go there or stop. It’s not subtle.” At first Luna probably thought it was cute the way Lexa was looking at Clarke like a love struck puppy. But after she tried and failed to hold talk with her for more than 5 minutes, she got tired of seeing and hearing how pretty Clarke was. Things got even worse after Lexa had a couple more drinks in her system.

“I’m not drooling.”

“You are. And if looks could kill poor Niylah would be dead by now.”

“I don’t appreciate her hands being all over Clarke.”

“And by all over you mean on her hand twice in one hour?”

“I’ve had it zero times.”

“It’s actually cute how in love you are,” Luna chuckled.

“I’m not in love.”

“Tiny bit,” Luna said. “But if you want your hands all over Clarke then go there and change that, I’m sure she wouldn’t say no to you touching more than her hand.”

“We don’t talk about Clarke in that way,” Lexa said as she picked up another drink from the bar.

Luna quickly took it out of her hand. “I think now is a good time to stop drinking.”

“I haven’t had a drink in 10 minutes.”

“I know and you should keep it that way.”

“I’m not drunk.”

“But you’re getting there.”

“She’s going somewhere,” Lexa said when she saw Clarke leave the room. 

“Your staring probably got her tired and she needs a nap.”

“She is cute when she’s sleeping.”

“I won’t ask how you know that.”

When after a couple of minutes Clarke got back, she had a big rectangular box wrapped in red in her hands and was walking in Lexa’s direction. Her antlers were gone and two buttons on her blouse unbuttoned. She was even more beautiful than a minute ago. 

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Luna said just as Clarke was about to be within arms reach from Lexa. 

“What?,” Lexa asked, confused but got only a grin in return from Luna. 

“Hi,” Clarke said when she was a couple of feet from Lexa.

“Hi.”

“Merry Christmas from your Secret Santa.” Clarke pushed the present she was holding in Lexa’s hands and grinned.

“You-”

“Open it,” Clarke said before Lexa had the chance to process what happened. She put the box on table next to her and started to carefully unwrap it. Her brain was still processing all that had happened and her hands were clumsy, maybe even shaking a bit. “You can just rip it off,” Clarke chuckled when she saw her struggling.

“It’s too pretty.”

“You are supposed to be the excited one,” Clarke leaned and whispered in Lexa’s ear. The warmth Lexa felt did not help her so she finally gave in and ripped the perfectly wrapped paper. “Finally,” Clarke said after Lexa got to the wooden box. “Open it,” Clarke nudged her when Lexa hesitated. 

“Do I shake it first?”

“I wouldn’t advise that, it’s heavy.”

“I’m strong,” Lexa smiled.

“I know you are. Just open it,” Clarke tapped her knuckles on it to get Lexa’s attention back to it and away from her.

“Oh my God.”

“Do you like it?”

Lexa couldn’t believe her eyes were seeing the shiny and sharp metallic thing of her dreams. “You got me a sword.” She looked at Clarke, then back at the box with a sword in it, then back at Clarke.

“I did yes,” Clarke said. “I asked around. Apparently that was a dream of yours.”

“Clarke you got me a sword.”

“Yes,” Clarke chuckled. “I know you probably want to pick it up but I think it’s better to not wield a deadly weapon here,” Clarke said. “If you’d even know how to do it.”

“Of course I know how to do it.”

“Then you have to show it to me sometime.”

“I will,” Lexa closed the box and turned to Clarke. “Thank you. So much.”

Clarke’s smile turned into a smirk. Her hand went up to Lexa’s head and pulled the wire mistletoe was hanging on out front. She then leaned and kissed Lexa’s cheek. Her lips were soft and warm and the kiss gave Lexa a fuzzy feeling in her stomach and tornado in her chest. “You’re welcome.”

“That’s cheating.”

“Do you want one more?” 

“Are you sure you want me to answer that?”

“You are adorable,” Clarke leaned and kissed her once more. “And super cute.” She pulled back, put the mistletoe back where it was before. “I wouldn’t want anyone else taking advantage of this.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just something to get me going again.  
> be gentle.

It had only been a couple of days since the party, the one where Clarke avoided Lexa until she couldn’t avoid her anymore, the one where Clarke kissed her. On the cheek but a kiss is still a kiss and it left her lips tingling with the memory of Lexa’s skin and left her skin burning with desire for more than just one short peck.

She knew she shouldn’t have done it the second her mouth touched Lexa’s soft and red cheek. She knew she would have had trouble saying no if Lexa showed even a hint of want for more. But she couldn’t help herself.

Maybe it was because she could feel Lexa’s eyes on her whenever she went and whatever she was doing. Maybe it was because of how bright Lexa’s eyes burned or how flustered she got every time Clarke was close enough or too close.

Clarke took advantage of a crack of weakness she saw in Lexa, the one she had been poking at for weeks. The lingering looks, the almost cuddling, the hand holding and always with a safety net around them. Never completely alone but never with anyone close enough to see the little touches only Clarke could feel, the breaths caught in limbo of not here or there that only Lexa could hear.

Clarke spent the three days after the party thinking only about ripping the crack open.

“Just do or just don’t, Clarke,” Raven told her that day. “I don’t see the point of neither doing it or not doing it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” They both knew Clarke wasn’t going to do it, but not doing it was the last thing she wanted to do.

“Set her free.”

“I still don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes you do.”

“She doesn’t need me to do anything.” Gossip columns were always full of news about Lexa and a girl. Blonde today, brunette yesterday, it didn’t matter.

“At least you should know.”

“Know what?,” Clarke furrowed her brows. Raven was never the one to talk in secret code, so to not have her be direct and upfront was confusing and strange and not at all like her.

“Not knowing,” Raven paused, choosing her next words, “being played with.”

“I’m not playing with her.”

“You give bits and pieces and then pull back,” Raven said. “I’m not judging just saying. I think you know how that feels, so it’s just weird.” Raven put her hand around Clarke’s neck and leaned her head on her shoulder. “I don’t think you’re doing anything on purpose. I think you are madly in love but you don’t want anyone to know.”

“I’m not madly in love.”

“You are pretty close.”

“I just-”

“Like her and it’s freaking you out because you know you won’t be able to stay away for much longer. But I say fuck it, who cares, just do what you want,” Raven said.

“I’m terrible at keeping secrets.”

“Then don’t make it a secret.” Clarke sighed and looked at the phone sitting in her lap as it made a couple of text message dings. It was Lexa, wondering if Clarke wanted to spend a couple of hours with her and Luna later that evening, watching movies. “I think she’s madly in love with you too. But that’s not much of a secret I think,” Raven chuckled when she read the texts.

“Shut up.”

Clarke said yes. It would either make the burning better or worse, but it sure was going to be something.

* * *

 

Clarke looked forward to it, mostly. But then the hours started to run away and as the hour came closer she started to get more and more nervous. So nervous that she made sure to get there late, hoping Luna was going to already be there. But all the hope she had disappeared when Lexa opened the door.

“Hi.” Lexa had a big smile on her face.

“Hey.” The smile kicked all the air out of Clarke’s lungs.

“Come in,” Lexa said, still with the same smile.

When Clarke walked in the first thing she noticed was that Luna was not there. “I thought I was going to be the late one.”

Lexa closed the door and walked by her. “You can put your coat there,” she pointed at the wall next to Clarke. “Luna should be here any second.” Lexa was wearing black sweats, white t-shirt, her hair was tied up in a bun and she had her glasses on. Clarke’s mind was foggy and cloudy and the smile that never left Lexa’s face was not helping.

“That’s good,” she smiled back.

“Do you want something to drink?”

“No, I’m good. Thank you.”

“Okay.” Clarke followed Lexa to the big couch in front of that TV she saw when she got. “Do you wanna eat something?,” Lexa asked before sitting down.

All the questions Lexa was asking just proved to Clarke that she was as nervous as Clarke was. “I’m fine really. I’ll tell you if I get hungry or thirsty.”

They spent the next couple of minutes in silence, each sitting on their end of the couch, waiting for something they both knew was not going to happen. But they still hoped. Clarke especially. Even more when she’d catch Lexa staring, when the confident smile turned into an almost blush.

Five minutes later Luna was there and they started to breathe again.

“So what are we watching?” Clarke and Lexa were still sitting next to each other on the couch, bit closer than before, while Luna was on one of the armchairs closer to TV. She had the remote in her hands and was going through list of Lexa’s favorites on Netflix.

“I’m up for anything,” Clarke said. “As long as it’s funny.”

“Me too.” Lexa was preoccupied with her phone. “Whatever is good,” she mumbled out.

“Are you sure you’re gonna be able to watch TV and not your phone?,” Clarke teased her. Lexa had spent most of an hour Clarke was there staring at her phone. Ever since Luna got there she practically didn’t put it down.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa shook her head and after a couple of seconds turned off her phone and put it face down on the couch between them. “It’s Anya, she wants me to do something I don’t want to do.”

“Work?,” Clarke asked.

“Kinda.”

“How about we watch what we did the last time I was here?” Luna’s words got Lexa’s attention and took her eyes away from Clarke.

“No,” Lexa said.

“Why not? I wanna get commentary directly from the source,” Luna continued to poke at her.

“Luna no.”

“What’s going on?,” Clarke asked confused before her eyes landed on the TV screen and saw a name of the movie she did a couple of years ago. “You’ve seen that?,” she asked Luna but looked at Lexa.

“Lexa is a big fan.”

“I’m not,” Lexa said.

“You’re not?,” Clarke smile grew bigger with every second.

“No, I am,” Lexa started blushing.

“She’s seen them all,” Luna had no intention of stopping.

Lexa was now hiding her face behind a big green pillow and Clarke felt sudden need to touch her and show her with her hands what she couldn’t bring herself to say. Instead she leaned closer and whispered, “Don’t be embarrassed.”

“I’m not embarrassed.”

“You can be a bit,” Clarke scratched the side of Lexa’s forearm.

“So are we watching it or?,” Luna said reminding Clarke that they were not alone, she leaned back, further from Lexa who looked like she had just started breathing for the first time.

“We can if that means we’re gonna watch one of yours of Lexa’s after,” Clarke chuckled.

“Oh that’s a no,” Luna laughed. “Damn I was really hoping you’d explain some of the things that happened in that one.”

“You just wanted to stare at that guy again,” Lexa sounded annoyed.

“What guy?,” Clarke asked.

“Collins,” Lexa stared at the phone next to her that kept buzzing. Clarke wondered what it was that was so important yet such a no from Lexa that she’d have Anya pester her all night.

“He has great hair,” Luna said again reminding Clarke of her presence.

“I can set you two up if you want,” Clarke said.

“I’ll think about it,” Luna smirked. “It’s none of my business but were you two really together?”

Luna’s question made Lexa shuffle her feet and pick up her phone again, not looking at it just holding it, her fingers wrapped tight around it. “You don’t have to answer that,” Lexa said.

“It’s okay, we are all friends here,” Clarke smiled. “We were, for a bit, but most of it was just PR.”

“That makes more sense than the stuff I’ve heard,” Luna said.

“What did you hear?”

“A lot of stuff.”

Clarke laughed. “I made one drunk mistake and he and his team blew it out of proportion,” Clarke said. “People love to talk.”

“You two will be getting a lot of that pretty soon,” Luna said.

“What do you mean?”

“I thought we were supposed to watch a movie not talk about _that_ ,” Lexa was visibly not into whatever Luna was trying to accomplish. Her phone buzzed again.

“All that buzzing just makes me more curious as to what does Anya want you to do that you are so against?,” Clarke had to ask.

“It’s nothing really,” Lexa put the phone back down.

“What talk were you talking about?,” Clarke turned to Luna again.

“You two will have thousands of people wanting you to be together and thousands convinced that you are,” Luna said.

“Thousands?”

“It’s cute how completely oblivious you are. I’d never expect that from someone so into all of it,” Luna laughed.

“All of what?”

“Fan interactions, social media, that stuff.”

“I’m not oblivious, I know what will happen,” Clarke said.

“But do you know how big it will be?”

“Yes,” Clarke lied. “But let’s watch something, enough of talking about me.”

“Okay but we still haven't picked a movie.”

“I like cooking shows,” Lexa said.

“We will not watch a cooking show,” Luna said.

“Why?,” Clarke asked.

“Because I’ve had enough of listening her bitch about food stuff,” Luna said. “Hey Clarke, important question. What is your opinion on apple pies?”

“You don’t have to answer that Clarke,” Lexa said.

“You do have to answer that Clarke,” Luna said.

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Just answer, it’s not big deal I promise.”

“I’m not the biggest fan.” With the corner of her eyes she could see a smile on Lexa’s face.

“What about peanut butter?,” Luna asked.

“Hate it.” Lexa smiled turned into an almost giggle.

“How do you like your steak?,” Luna asked once again.

“Medium.”

Luna groaned. “Okay, one more,” she said. “Do you cut your sandwiches?”

“I do.” The smiles and almost giggling turned to laughing, the type that sent shivers down Clarke’s spine. “Why do you wanna know that?”

“You’ve disappointed me Clarke,” Luna said.

“Will you now accept it as the only right way?,” Lexa grinned.

“I’m still confused,” Clarke said.

“She hoped your answers would differ from mine and that my opinion of you would get 10 times worse,” Lexa said. “You can’t be my friend if you don’t agree with me on everything,” she quickly added.

“I’m your friend,” Luna said.

“But not my best friend,” Lexa said.

“Does that make me your best friend?,” Clarke asked Lexa.

“Maybe.”

“I hate you both,” Luna said before turning some action packed movie from Lexa’s list. The movie was a good distraction but still Clarke had trouble stopping her mind from spiraling and thinking back to those hundreds of messages she got because of a couple photos of her dancing with Lexa. She never really thought what it would mean to play a lesbian on a TV show and have Lexa on the opposite of her. Luna was right, people were going to go crazy and Clarke knew there was no way avoiding it or stopping them. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to freak out.

Octavia and Raven tried to prepare her, especially Octavia, and especially after the news got out. And Clarke thought she was ready, she really did. But then those photos came out and she started freaking out because what were people going to say once they have more than two blurry videos and three photos.

Clarke realized Lexa was the thing that freaked her out. People knowing and seeing through her and her not being able to hide anymore. Because if there was something she knew she couldn’t do it was to act when next to Lexa. The real Lexa. She could put on a face for everything and everyone, she was an expert at it, but one smile from Lexa, one look of joy and happiness and hope from Lexa and Clarke was a goner. There was no way she was going to be able to hide with Lexa next to her. What scared her the most was the fact that a part of her was looking forward to her not having to act anymore, not having to hide.  

It was long after Luna had left them alone that Clarke’s head was running crazy with the same thoughts of panic and desperation mixed with hope that it was going to be finally over. Then Lexa smiled and Clarke forgot about everything that was bothering her. “What?,” she asked.

“It’s okay to not be ready.”

“What?”

“You’ve been somewhere far away ever since Luna mentioned it. I just want you to know that it’s okay to not be ready,” Lexa said. “But you had to be aware of what’s going to happen.”

“Everyone keeps telling me that as if I’m not aware of what it means and what it will mean.”

“And then you’ll realize you had no idea how big it will be once it happens.”

“It can’t be that bad,” Clarke smiled awkwardly.

“It won’t be bad. Just overwhelming. I’ll help you, if you want that,” Lexa said.

“Who helped you? Or you didn’t need help?”

“I couldn’t wait for it to happen,” Lexa smiled. She turned sideways, lifted her legs under her and leaned her head on her hand.

“Really?”

“Really. My line of thinking was I’m gonna give them everything I never got and I’m gonna be cool with whatever as long as they stay on their side of the lane,” Lexa said, then added, “your thing is different, but still. The way I see it you can either embrace it or awkwardly avoid it. It’s your choice in the end.”

“I’m half expecting this scary thing that everyone keeps telling me I should be afraid of.”

“And the other half?”

“The other half is really nice.”

“It can be this nice thing where you get to see how much impact what you do has and what it means or will mean to people,” Lexa said. Clarke leaned her head back and stared at the dirty white ceiling above them. “I mean you have to be aware of what something like that means to people.” It was one of her favorite things about Lexa. She never said more than Clarke was ready to hear.

“I know.” Clarke closed her eyes and a couple of seconds later she felt Lexa’s fingers in her hair, brushing lightly the back of her head. It was the first time Lexa touched her with no one around them.

“I’m not worried about that.”

“What are you worried about?”

“That they’ll see right through me.”

“Meaning?”

“You know what it means.”

“But you can still say it.”

“I won’t be able to hold a glass wall between me and the rest of the world.” Every brush of Lexa’s fingers through her hair crushed every doubt Clarke had floating through her body.

“I don’t think it’s a glass wall.”

“Yeah because I did a great job of fooling you.”

“Were you trying to fool me?”

“I wouldn’t call it fooling.”

“Your words.”

“I did a bad job of sticking to my script.”

“I’d like to think that has more to do with me than you,” Lexa smiled.

“Do I want you to expand on it?”

“I think you know what I mean.”

“What does Anya want?,” Clarke asked her eyes still closed, all of her skin tingling from Lexa’s touch.

“What do you mean?”

“What does she want you to do?”

“Promo.”

“And you don’t wanna do promo?” Clarke turned her head to Lexa and Lexa stopped touching her. “You don’t have to stop,” Clarke smiled after she saw the pink turn red in Lexa’s cheeks.

“She says they want us to post photos of us,” Lexa said. “And I know you don’t want that after that thing that happened.”

Clarke’s heart almost broke when she saw the self doubt and insecurity in Lexa’s eyes. “You can post whatever you want and take any kind of photo,” she said. “I don’t like my privacy invaded and you could never do that. You are my friend.” Clarke put her hand on top of Lexa’s, the one that was just moments ago playing with her hair. “And that’s very sweet of you but I don’t want the wrath of Anya unleashed on me.” Lexa smiled but pulled her hand away from under Clarke’s. Her cheeks were still red. “Am I making you uncomfortable?” Clarke asked pulling a bit back. She never thought about that even being a possibility but seeing how Lexa reacted to her touch and to Clarke voicing how much she liked being touched by her, she just had to ask.

“No, it’s not that,” Lexa said. “Why do you think that?”

“You keep pulling back. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or something.”

“It’s far from that, really.”

Clarke recognized in Lexa’s eyes the same thing she saw every morning in her own. “Oh,” it was Clarke’s turn to awkwardly lean back.

“It can’t be a surprise,” Lexa smiled.

“Kinda.”

“Really?”

“Never thought about it.”

“Really?,” Lexa arched her brow.

“I don’t- we can’t-”

“Relax Clarke, I’m not expecting anything.”

“It’s not that,” Clarke said. “We can pause, or something.”

“Clarke,” this time it was Lexa’s hand on top of hers. It was warm and soft. Lexa turned it around and dragged her fingers up and down Clarke’s palm. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” she said. “I’m perfectly fine with whatever.”

“I don’t think you could make me uncomfortable.”

“I can think of a couple of ways.”

Raven was right. Clarke was the one pulling them back and forth and Lexa was willing to let her do whatever she wanted. “I’m sure you can,” Clarke chuckled. A bit nervous, a bit relieved. Lexa’s fingers were on her wrist, then on her forearm.

“Don’t worry, I won’t do anything like that,” Lexa said. “That’s why you are taking the lead.” Clarke nodded, her eyes focused on the eights Lexa was drawing on her wrist. “Wanna watch something? I’ll offer you my shoulder, I know how much you like it.”

“Shut up,” Clarke pushed her hand off of hers and turned to TV. “We can if it’s gonna be one of my movies.”

“I thought you don’t wanna watch that?”

“I do if it’s only you next to me,” Clarke said. “I’ve always wanted to watch one of them with a fan.”

“Fan?”

“Just turn it on,” Clarke chuckled.

After the movie started she took a photo of the TV.

_‘movie night with a fan’_

She didn’t tag Lexa but took the shoulder she was offered.

**Author's Note:**

> i have great many things i wanna write for this if you're up for it. please let me know.
> 
> sorry for mistakes and all that.
> 
> thanks, bye!


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